


You Were Beautiful

by ArtOfIceSkating



Series: You Were Beautiful [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Arranged Marriage, F/M, Heartbreak, Non-Idol AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-08-23 13:48:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20243860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtOfIceSkating/pseuds/ArtOfIceSkating
Summary: What will one night of passion with your coworker's (Johnny) friend (Jaehyun) lead to? It seems like an ideal summer romance, but there is something Jaehyun hasn't told you...Contains explicit content





	1. YWB Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm crossposting this from my Tumblr fics blog. I hope you enjoy this, and comments and feedback are greatly appreciated!

You had looked very attractive at the party tonight, and your good friend and coworker, John, had made fun of you for wearing a dress. His friend Jaehyun hadn’t seemed to find the dress funny and had complimented you on it. You were pretty sure that Jung Jaehyun had been harbouring a little thing for you, and when you ended up clumsily pushed together in an overcrowded kitchen you were quite certain about this because of the sudden flush of red ears and a growing tension between the two of you. It built through the night and was almost oppressive by the time he was driving you home because your apartment was on the way to his. Normally when Jaehyun drove you home you would either chat or sit in warm comfortable silence, but tonight felt different; this silence pressed and taunted until you wanted to burst. You would be lying if you said that over the year and a half that you had known Jaehyun you had not grown extremely attracted to him. Johnny, Yuta and Jaehyun jogged with you every Sunday morning and Yuta had teased Jaehyun for always jogging next to you or behind you. You glanced over at him studying his profile and the way his hair hung on his forehead. As soon as you looked away he turned his head to look at you quickly before averting his eyes back to the highway with a sharp intake of breath. It was now or never you thought, mustering up the courage to reach over and gently stroke his thigh. If you had read this situation wrong, then this could make your friendship with Jaehyun incredibly awkward.

“Thank god,” he breathed.

“What?” You asked, stone-faced and eyes not daring to leave the road in front of you. You needed him to assure you that his glances and blushes and gentle flirting had not been figments of your imagination.

“I have wanted you all night.” He said it quietly, almost as if he were shy. Jaehyun’s answer more than pleased you, and you continued your ministrations on his thigh until you gently palmed his crotch. He was half-hard already as you left the highway. He groaned as you touched him through his pants, and you still hadn’t looked at him since you started touching him. Every noise he made sent a pang to your core. It was still a twenty-minute drive to your place, and you didn’t want to wait that long.

“Pull over.” You instructed him.

“Where?”

“Anywhere quiet,” and he quickly followed your instructions and parked his car down a dark side street, quiet because of the neighbourhood and time of night. You had never unbuckled your seat belt so fast as you told him to push his seat back, pleased to find that he did everything as you instructed him without question. His brown eyes were open so wide as you struggled to climb over the centre console and into his lap to straddle him.

“Um…the back seat has tinted windows if—“

“It’ll be more fun this way.” You cut him off with a devilish grin, that softened as your eyes met with his. His expression was filled with awe and wonder at you, and despite the low light you could see the flush of his cheeks and as a smile broke on his face his dimples became noticeable. You felt slightly thrown off as you felt your face heat up, and tried to break the moment by grinding your core on him. You bit your lip as you continued your movements and there were a few seconds where Jaehyun seemed unsure of what to do with his hands, but he finally brought them to your hips encouraging their rolling actions. His lips were on your neck and jaw and cheeks, but his actions were timid. Finally you brought your lips to his and shared a sloppy kiss, but within seconds your tongues had found rhythms to compliment each other. The kiss became frantic and passionate and one of his hands moved to tangle in your hair and his other arm wrapped around your bottom to pull you even closer. This was crazy and so sudden you felt, but it also felt incredibly right and powerful.

“Ah, fuck,” you finally breathe against his mouth “I want you right now, Jaehyun.”

“There’s a condom in the glove box.” He says, his voice is no longer shy sounding, and he runs his hands up your thighs to pull your dress up even further. It takes you a few seconds of rummaging around in the glove box to find the little foil packet, and as you sit up you lean back on the steering wheel seductively and grin at him and guide his hand up to your clothed breast. He eagerly massages your mounds and you sit up and unzip the back of your dress, as you pull the top of the dress down to your waist Jaehyun sneaks a hand behind your back and easily unhooks your bra. He lets out a soft groan as your bra falls, exposing your breasts. You’re grinding him again as he latches on to one of your hard nipples with his mouth. The foil packet is still in your hand and you can feel how hard he has gotten through his pants.

“These need to come off,” you say impatiently as you push his head away from your breast and begin to yank at his belt and the zipper of his pants. You’re rather rough with getting his clothes off, but he doesn’t complain and in no time his cock springs free head glistening with precum. During this he had moved his hand up your inner thigh and against your still panty clad centre, no doubt feeling how soaked the material was. You’re relieved that he makes no comment about how wet you are for him just yet. Your mouth waters as he rolls the condom onto his length, not trusting your own desperate fingers with such a delicate task. Your mouths’ find each other again and find immediate harmony, as you position yourself over his cock. One of Jaehyun’s beautiful hands pulls your panties to the side as he runs a long finger against your dripping core as another one of his digits enters you. You make a little noise as you grimace in pleasure and lean your head against his, as he strokes your clit and adds another finger inside of you and scissors them.

“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” you chant under your breath, trying to hold in your moans not believing how good just his fingers feel. Jaehyun pumps his fingers a few times into you, earning a few gasps until you can’t stand it any longer, “Fuck me, I need you to fuck me.” Your voice sounds stronger than you thought it might. You kiss him passionately as he removes his hand, and it’s torture those few seconds before he is guiding you onto his length. Your lips stutter against his as you stretch and settle fully on his dick, he uses this opportunity to take your bottom lip between his teeth and lightly tug on it. Without warning you begin to ride him at an amazingly fast pace, already feeling your release building.

“Slow down, sweetheart,” he says between kisses.

“No,” is all you say as you break the kiss to focus on riding him. His lips find your neck and the graze of his teeth sends shivers down your spine.

“Holy fuck, you’re so tight.” He breathes against your skin, using one hand to roll and pinch one your nipples between his fingers. Moans begin to fall from your lips as Jaehyun begins to thrust up into you meeting you halfway, and dirty wet sounds are coming from where your bodies are colliding. Jaehyun and your moans mingle as you near your releases, and your head hits the roof of the car a few times because of your frantic bouncing.

“You feel so good, Y/N, I have wanted to have my cock buried in you for so long.” All his shyness gone by this point and he takes your nipple into his mouth. You moan loudly as he licks and nips at your hardened bud.

“We should have done this ages ago, then—ah,” his hand has moved down to your rub your clit, effectively cutting you off, just from the pleasure he is giving you. You’re so close, and you have become sloppy in your movements.

“Oh god, Jaehyun,” you moan as you can almost taste your orgasm. He’s moaning along with you and the moans sound so beautiful together, his low and yours almost whimpers.

“Come for me, Y/N” he breathes as he pinches your clit and sends you over the edge. His lips meet yours and catch your cries of pleasure as you ride out your high, legs trembling as Jaehyun does most of the work. His lips still as he begins to feel the effects of your cunt clenching around him. His thrusts get messy as he reaches his high, and you continue to ride out the end of your orgasm and guide him through his. Jaehyun slumps with one last groan as he finishes emptying into the condom, and you collapse against him wincing at the over sensitivity. The windows are fogged as you both rest for a minute against each other, panting and sticky.

“That was…amazing. No one has ever ridden me in the front seat of a car.” He says into your hair with a cocky grin. It’s your turn to be shy, as you look into his eyes and feel a clenching in your chest as your brain attempts to process what just happened. Jaehyun kisses you again, obviously not being aware of your inner turmoil. You slide the top of your dress back on, bra forgotten somewhere in the car and ease your way off his cock. You feel so empty, not just physically.

“I don’t have anything to clean up with.” He apologizes.

“That’s fine,” you say with the sudden impulse to kiss him, but you don’t satisfy that craving. Jaehyun drives you home and accepts your offer to come inside, and then accepts the offer of a glass of water, and then a tour of you’re apartment, and finally your offer to spend to night.

“How drunk are you?” You ask with a smile as you sit a pillows width away from him on the couch.

“Very sober; I was your designated driver, remember?” Jaehyun says with a smile.

“How drunk are you?”

“Very sober.” You answer taking a sip of your sleepy time tea, and studying Jaehyun’s face for anything you may not have noticed before. He must catch you staring because he smiles again, one dimple forming before the other, and he takes your empty hand in his and squeezes it. You set your tea down and move closer to his lap.

“What’s your favourite animal?” You ask him, looking into his eyes as your hand slides up his chest to rest on his shoulder.

“Um, I don’t know, I really like a lot of animals.” You roll your eyes at him, and he smiles at your reaction as if you’re the cutest thing.

“Okay, dogs then.” He conceded.

“What’s your favourite season?”

“Spring, what’s your favourite season?” You would just like to melt on those dark chocolate eyes of his.

“Spring.” You reply, and kiss the corner of his mouth.

“Best birthday gift you have received?” Jaehyun kisses your eyelids and lashes.

“My aunt and uncle took me to paris when I was 16.” You say as you pepper his jaw with kisses.

“Wildest sex you’ve ever had?” You ask, biting his earlobe.

“Um, I let a girl peg me once.”

“Really?” You look at each other and both laugh.

“Favourite month?” You say, pressing a kiss to his Adams apple and Jaehyun arches his neck to give you better access.

“February.”

“Why?” You kiss his nose.

“Because that’s when my birthday is. What’s your favourite month?” One of his hands is on your hip while the other moves up to massage your breast.

“April,” you say with a sigh, as he kneads you through the material of your dress.

“Why?” He questions, suddenly pulling you closer.

“Because that’s when my birthday is.” You grin at him until he pinches your nipple. Jaehyun’s and your lips finally meet again, and the kiss is soft and tender. Suddenly an “oh shit” expression dashed across his face.

“I don’t have another condom.” There is no way to hide the slight disappointment in your face,

“I’m on the pill, so if you’re—“

“Clean? Yes, I am. Are you?” He speaks quietly, despite having cut you off.

“Yes,” you say with a nod as you and Jaehyun don’t lose eye contact.

“Okay, so if you’re comfortable with that, then I am too.” It’s not phrased as a question, but he really is just trying to make sure you are comfortable.

“Um,” you never had sex with a person without a condom unless you had dated them for months “Sure, yeah that’s fine.” Hoping that he didn’t notice the hesitation. He must have because he’s looking at you with a very soft yet serious expression.

“Yes, it’s fine Jaehyun.” You say in a reassuring tone as you kiss him again.

“Okay, but if you feel uncomfortable tell me, okay?” He says, both his hands moving to cup your face as he kisses you.

“Okay,” you say as your body comfortably melts into his as you settle on his lap. Jaehyun’s body feels wonderfully firm against yours but all you want is to be closer. Yours’ and Jaehyun’s hands roam each other’s body’s as the kiss deepens, searching for purchase on any bit of skin they could find.

“Can your shirt come off?” You ask him, making eye contact as your fingers slide to his shirt collar.

“Of course,” and he settles back into the couch pillows with a dimple-y grin as you take care of the buttons. Your lips quickly find his again, and you both work on getting your dress off until you are both panting as you cling desperately to each other in shirtless glory, bare skin glistening slightly. You’re grinding on him hard as his mouth pays tribute to your breasts when Jaehyun asks you quietly but firmly

“Y/N, would you sit on my face?”

“Fuck, yeah.” You breathe as your grip on him involuntarily tightens at just the thought of his lovely face peaking from between your thighs. His lips move up to capture yours again as his fingers slip inside the waistband of your underwear to tease your clit. He strokes you a few times, each time causing you to moan and then his fingers are gone. He plays with the waistband of your panties,

“Can these come off now?” You don’t hesitate to move off of Jaehyun’s lap and slip off your last remaining article of clothing, and Jaehyun’s eyes never leave you as he settles laying down on the couch. You straddle him and quickly bend over to place one last kiss to his lips before he is guiding you to his face, his hands gripping your thighs tightly and a smile gracing his lips that was too pure for this moment. You are about to make a comment about how cute he was, but all that can escape your lips is a moan that is almost a whimper when you feel Jaehyun’s mouth on you. Your eyes screw shut tight and your mouth opens wide in a gasp as his tongue moulds to fit every curve and valley of your sensitive bud. His licks, and sucks, and occasional hums leave you a moaning mess as you grind his face. In almost no time you’re gripping his hair and massaging your breast with your free hand, as your orgasm quickly builds and bubbles in your lower belly with each stroke of his tongue. You come fast and hard, rocking your body through each tremor of your high, afterwards forcing your eyes open to glimpse Jaehyun staring up at you from between your legs with his nose, mouth and chin glistening with your release. You clamour off of him and slump against your couch back.

“I hope you’re ready for more, y/n.” Jaehyun whispers against your mouth as he kisses you passionately and expertly rolls your nipples with his free hand. All you can do is gasp in reply, as your body is still attempting to recover from your most recent climax. As your limbs begin to feel less like jelly, you laugh into his kiss and grasp at his pants whining

“You need to take these off, this is unfair.”

“Okay, okay,” Jaehyun concedes with a smile against your lips and his hands cup your face as he presses a small kiss above your brow. Neither of you lose eye contact as he stands up and removes his clothes.

“Stand up,” Jaehyun instructs, you’re more than happy to comply, and for half a heartbeat as you stand on the couch before him you are tempted to feel insecure, but that’s impossible to hold on to with the way he looks at you. In moments you’re in his arms, with your legs wrapped around his waist while he spins you both to the other side of the room to the kitchen counter. The countertop is cold against your rear and the back of your thighs, but that’s soon forgotten as he pulls you close

“Are you still sure about this?”

“Uh-huh” you mumble pulling him closer, but Jaehyun hesitates, unsatisfied with your answer.

“Are you really sure?” You have to contain a groan as you pull back to look at him properly

“Yes, Jaehyun, I’m sure; you’re my friend and I trust you.” That sounded mushier than you had wanted, but you were trying to calm yours and Jaehyun’s anxieties. His one hand gripped your thigh, keeping your leg wrapped around his waist, and he used his other hand to guide himself into you. You did no more than take in a deep breath of air as you looked deep into each other’s eyes, while his bare length pushed into you. You have trouble maintaining any composure as Jaehyun begins to thrust into you, your head falls against his shoulder as you gasp for breath at every movement of his. You can already feel a build up in your belly, just waiting to explode, it builds and builds but you still haven’t fallen off that beautiful cliff. Your neck is thrown back as Jaehyun runs his tongue and teeth along it, sending shivers down your spine.

“I’m not going to last a whole lot longer” Jaehyun says with a grunt as he thrusts, and he brings your leg higher around his waist. You have never had three orgasms in one night before, and you feel like you really could with Jaehyun

“Let’s take this to the bedroom.” You shakily breath out in between your gasps and moans.

“Right now?”

“Yeah, I need a different position.” You explain, despite looking very content where you are.

“Okay,” his movements slow and then stop and then he’s gone, your eyes have been closed this entire time without you realizing it, but Jaehyun is a beautiful sight right now. Heaving slightly, glistening, looking at you as if you are the most beautiful thing in the world. You are sure your expression must match his. He helps you off the counter, your legs are shaky as you lead him down the hallway to your bedroom, both of your delicate fingers entwined. You turn and kiss him as he backs you toward your bed,

“How do you want to—“

“Doggy style.” You say immediately. Jaehyun pulls away to look at you and smirk

“Really?”

“It’s one of my favourites!” You giggle and pull him down onto the bed with you. You want this—him now, so you waste no time turning your back to him waiting patiently in your knees. Jaehyun’s hands explore your body for a few moments, but then you feel him against you and his member at your entrance, as his fingers dance across your back and gently push you forwards to rest on your elbows as well. You make no attempts to try and stay quiet as he enters you again, moaning loudly and feeling that familiar build in your stomach. He doesn’t go easy on you, quickly snapping his hips against your ass and pulling your hips against his at each thrust. Skin against skin, absolutely nothing separates you and you feel your arousal slowly run down your leg. You feel like you could come at any second, but you’re stuck there for a minute gasping and listening to the slapping of skin against skin and Jaehyun’s little gasps and groans.

“Holy fuck, Y/N. You’re so tight and perfect. I need you to come for me, angel.” he says as he pulls you up against him. One of his hands massages your breast, and the other rubs small circles on your clit. You twist your head around to kiss him, and his lips hungrily meet your own. The ball of flames in your lower belly begins to explode like fireworks, gently at first and then growing bigger and bigger. You abandon his kiss

“Jaehyun, I’m—“

“I know, fuck you feel so good. Come for me, let me hear you darling.” He growls into your ear, you can tell he’s near his end by his messy thrusts and soft moans. Instinct tells you to lean forward, but Jaehyun holds you against him and within seconds you feel him spilling into you. Your moans reach their peak along with you, and between each of his thrusts you can feel both of your releases running down your thighs. Your climax fades and Jaehyun’s movements slow to a stop, he holds you close as you both gasp for air and are sat trembling against one another. You can distinctly feel his heartbeat against your left shoulder, and you move his hand to cup your left breast so that he can feel your heartbeat. Jaehyun feels wonderfully warm, but wherever your skin isn’t touching his goosebumps cover you.

“I’m going to go take a quick shower.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun says into your hair as he still holds you against him and then kisses your head and the back of your neck before letting you go. What had you just done, you thought as you stepped into the stream of hot water. You had just had amazing sober sex with one of your friends. Since moving to South Korea, and becoming friends with Johnny and Yuta and their male pals; you had made a list. A list of people in order of how dangerous they would be to fuck: Jaehyun was the most dangerous, because after a week of knowing him you realized how easy he would be to fall in love with. You couldn’t afford to fall in love with someone over here, your teaching contract was up in four months, and after that you had to go home and finish your Ph.D and start your career. When you returned to your room in your towel Jaehyun was still naked and sitting on the edge of your bed. He smiled at you shyly, he looked cold

“Do you mind if I take a quick shower?”

“Oh no, go right ahead! There are clean towels in the closet.” You say as you smile back to him and feel a fluttering in your chest. You notice two little neat piles of folded clothes on the chair in your room—your clothes and his. He must have gone back to the living room to retrieve them while you were showering. _See!_ That’s why Jaehyun was easy to fall in love with, little gestures like that. I mean, as if you hadn’t fallen for his quiet awkwardness in the first ten minutes of knowing him. When Jaehyun comes back to your room, he puts his underwear back on before crawling into bed with you. There’s a nervous energy bouncing off of both you. You’ll never get to sleep this way, so you roll to face Jaehyun and prop yourself up on an elbow.

“Hi,” he says gazing slightly up at you.

“Hi, Jaehyun.” You smile at him as you slowly lean over to bring your lips to his. The kisses are soft and gentle, and despite being exhausted you still feel a tingling in your pajama shorts. You and Jaehyun are gazing into each other’s eyes between each kiss.

“Do you want to talk?” He asks, his voice soft and his eyelids droopy.

“Yes,” You breathe out as you lay your head against his shoulder.

“So, um, I like you.” You smile against him,

“I like you, too, but why didn’t you ever do anything before?”

“Because I know that you’re leaving, and I wasn’t sure if you liked me back.”

“Oh,” that was definitely your fault. You had an uncanny ability of masking any feelings you might have for someone; a part of your brain told you_ They mustn’t know you like them!_, and you would always listen.

“How long have you wanted me?”

“Um…over a year.” Jaehyun seemed almost embarrassed, “That’s kind of why Yunji and I broke up.” You look up at him

“Isn’t that when we went to the museum and stuff?” All this time you had thought he had asked for your company on those outings so that he wouldn’t feel lonely after losing his girlfriend.

“Yes,” he blushed a little.

“Remember when we were in that elevator at the parking garage when we went to that art gallery opening? I wanted to kiss you so badly.” You confessed, watching for his reaction.

“I wanted to kiss you, too. That’s the night you wore the little sweater dress that I like so much.” Jaehyun’s left arm cradled you, and his hand gently caressed your butt. His eyes were almost closed, he was so tired, but a small smile graced his face at the memory.

“Jaehyun?” You whispered, propping yourself up again.

“Yes?” He whispered back, his eyes fighting sleep to look at you. You smiled at him and gently pressed your lips to his temple.

“Go to sleep, lover.” You whispered against his skin.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”


	2. Chapter II

You awoke to Jaehyun trying to crawl quietly back into bed next to you. You groaned and feebly stretched as Jaehyun huddled next to you under the blanket, goosebumps covering his skin from the chilly room air. His skin felt warm against your hand, and he pulled you into his embrace; spooning you and entwining your bare legs.

“How was last night?”

The best I’ve ever had. “Excellent, thank you.” You replied with a soft laugh.

“You’re beautiful in the morning.” You turned your head to look at him, and he studied your face with a soft smile. “You’re absolutely glowing.” At his remarks you could feel the heat in your cheeks. The brush of his lips against yours was soft, like a Summer breeze. For a minute or two you are lost in his gentle kisses and the soft caresses of his hands. Jaehyun pulls away with a sigh and gives you a dimpled smile as he gazes at you.

“Don’t stop.” Your eyes dart from his eyes to his lips. Jaehyun grabs your hip to pull you beneath him as your lips meet again. The kisses are deep and gentle, the impatience from last night is gone. His mouth roams down your neck, sucking at your skin as his hands push up your shirt.

“It’s freezing.” You whine when the air hits your bare breasts. You can feel his lips form a smile against your skin, “I know,” and he kisses down the valley of your chest.

Your phone dings, alerting you that someone has sent a message. Jaehyun pulls up the covers, enshrouding you both, and settles back to sucking on your nipples. Your hands rest on his neck and shoulder while he sucks a mark into your hip, the familiar ding sounds again. It’s stifling under the blankets as Jaehyun removes your shorts and kisses your thighs…another ding, but this one is unfamiliar to you: it must be his phone. He growls in annoyance, which only makes you desire him more. Your phone again, but you can feel Jaehyun’s hot breath on your centre and you grasp his hair gently. His licks are long and teasing, but they leave you gasping and he reaches out to entwine your fingers with his own. His phone dings, with yours following seconds later. His masterful tongue swirls your clit and you moan his name.

“Shhh, as beautiful as that sounds, we kept people up late enough last night.” He had moved his hand up to softly clamp against your mouth while he slipped a finger inside of you. You let out short gasps of air into his hand while he pumped one finger and then two. His phone dinged; Jaehyun removed his hands and kissed you as you wrapped your legs around his waist. A sharp sound surprised you both: the ringing of your phone. Jaehyun stopped kissing you.

“Just ignore it,” you say, having difficulty yourself blocking out the noise.

“Just answer it, and then maybe we’ll have some peace.” He lays on the bed next to you as you partially leave the blanket cocoon to answer your phone. It’s the landlord. While he explains to you that the heating is broken and they are trying to repair it, you can feel Jaehyun moving to be rid of his underwear next to you. You thank the landlord and retreat back to the warmth. Almost immediately Jaehyun is on top of you again, and you gladly pull him close as your lips meet and you feel his length against your thigh. You can feel your own arousal dripping out of yourself as you reach down to help guide him into you. His thrusts are agonizingly slow and deep. Your phone rings again. Jaehyun doesn’t pull out of you as he reaches for your phone, answering it and holding it up to your ear.

“H-hello.” You say, not even knowing who might have called, as you reach to hold the phone against your head and Jaehyun settles his face into the crook of your neck as he continues to slowly thrust into you.

“Y/N, where are you? Johnny and I are worried!” Shit. It was Yuta, you were supposed to be meeting him to go jogging. You had completely forgotten.

“I slept through my alarm clock, I’m sorry Yuta.” You lie, and Jaehyun hits you really deep and you nearly gasp right into the phone.

“Jaehyun didn’t show up either—“ you can hear Johnny saying something to Yuta “He probably overslept too—are you okay?” Yuta must have noticed that your breathing was off. Ever since you had said Jaehyun’s friend’s name, Jaehyun had picked up his pace just a little to ensure that he was fucking you really well.

“I’m fine!” You were better than fine, but you sounded a little squeaky over the phone.

“What are you doing?” He fucking knew.

“Nothing!”

“Slept through your alarm, huh?” God, what an asshole. You could hear his smirk through the phone. Your hand was covering your mouth in attempt to muffle any gasps that were trying to slip out. Jaehyun shifted his head and groaned next to your phone.

“What was that?” Yuta questioned.

“I stubbed my toe.” You could hear Yuta laughing on the other line, but all you could do was screw your eyes shut as Jaehyun began hit the perfect spot inside of you.

“Y/N, you groan like a man.” Was all Yuta said before he hung up on you. Your moans fall through your fingers now and Jaehyun kisses your neck and slows down to his earlier pace while still hitting that spot in you. You had been so focused on being as quiet as possible, that you hadn’t noticed the build up in your lower belly. Jaehyun removes your hand from your mouth to kiss you.

“Faster,” you breathe against his lips between kisses. Jaehyun couldn’t be closer to you, but you still cling to him as if your life depends on it. He gradually picks up his pace, hitting you deep and his lips never leaving your skin. Waves of pleasure begin to wash over you, each one stronger than the last. Soft moans and gasps fall from your lips, and you can feel Jaehyun’s hot gasps against your sticky skin. Your orgasm feels like it goes on forever; it’s almost too much to handle but you also want this to never end. One last wave of ecstasy as he cums inside of you. You both just lay there for a few moments gasping and breathing each other in. The air from your unheated apartment feels lovely and fresh now. Jaehyun is smiling at you as you brush his hair off his forehead, his expression is so soft that you can’t help but smile back.

“That was—“

“I love you.” He nearly gulped as he said it, and your blood ran cold in your veins at his confession.

“What?” You say incredulously as you pull away from him. You don’t miss the look of hurt and fear that dashes across his face.

“I don’t expect you to return that feeling—“

“It’s just really soon to say something like that.” You sound almost disgusted, you might as well be stabbing him from the pain he must be feeling.

“I have been in love with you for months, so it doesn’t feel too soon for me. I had to tell you now, or I might not ever.” His voice was quite, but very serious. You can’t take your eyes from him as you sit up, feeling a little bit of your mixed arousals seep out of you. That wasn’t just a good fuck, that was making love. As much as you liked Jaehyun, you were not in love with him.

“Do you want me to leave?”

You think for a few seconds, “No, I’m just…surprised.” But the easiness is gone, he’s not just your friend Jaehyun anymore.

“I’m really sorry, please don’t hate me.” He says to just before he leaves.

“Jaehyun,” you say as you stroke his face and lightly kiss him “I’m not going to hate you for loving me.” He smiles sadly almost not convinced, and he looks as though he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t.

“I’m in Daegu for the next few days, but I’ll see you around after that?” He finally adds.

“Definitely.” You smile.

———————————————————-

Yuta proceeds to tease you about your ‘stubbed toe’ the next day in the teachers lounge. Johnny rolls his eyes, but you also catch him giggle out of the corner of your eye.

“No, but it’s good. We’ve all been too long without any.” Yuta states more seriously. “He had better be a nice dude—“

“How do you know it was a guy?” You interject, trying to throw him off. He imitated Jaehyun’s groan.

“Definitely a guy.” Said John.

————————————————————

You knock on Johnny’s door on Friday night, meeting him there before a group of you go out. He answers with a toothbrush in his mouth and a garbled “Yuta and Mark aren’t here yet.” You shrug as you take your jacket off, noticing Johnny’s laptop out with an article pulled up featuring a beautiful young woman with her cello flanked by what look like her parents. You grab a glass and fill it with water, texting your mother about your day as you drink it. It would be nice to see your family and friends again. Just as Johnny returns minty-fresh, Yuta arrives.

“We can fucking talk about it now! It’s official, the whole world knows!” The younger practically shouts as he enters, his phone in hand as he scrolls further down whatever he’s reading.

“Yep,” is Johnny’s reply, very dry and lacking any excitement.

“We can celebrate it tonight! Come on, how often are your friends involved in society weddings?”

You are thoroughly confused, but don’t press it as they are obviously talking about someone you don’t know. Yuta hasn’t closed the door behind him and Mark and Jiwoo can walk right in.

“Jaehyun isn’t even coming tonight, some shit about the having to be with The Mrs.” Mark says before even saying ‘hello’.

“Is that the article?” Jiwoo says spotting the open laptop.

“Dinner with the in-laws, I bet.” added Yuta. They had your full attention now. John shrugged at everyone’s comments.

“Song Misook and Jung Jaehyun, chaebol heirs announce their engagement and plans to merge companies.” Jiwoo read, and it felt as if your stomach had fallen out of your body.

“God, this is such an old photo of them. Anyways, whatever, everyone already knew.” Jiwoo continued.

“Yes, but now we can openly discuss it without Jaehyun biting our heads off.” Pressed Yuta. Everyone already knew. Everyone already knew. Jiwoo’s words were all you could hear.

“Jaehyun didn’t tell me until right before that engagement party they had a couple months ago.” She said in an annoyed tone.

“Really, he told us months before that?” Said Johnny, nodding at Mark and Yuta. You actually felt like dying.

“Did Jaehyun tell you about his arranged marriage before or after me?” Jiwoo asked you. You blanked for a second.

“After you, I guess.” He didn’t fucking tell me at all. You vaguely remembered that there had been a party involving Jaehyun’s parents for family and close friends a couple months ago. You weren’t invited, because you were neither family nor a close friend. You set your water glass down in the sink, and go to grab your jacket.

“Yuta, don’t look so happy. He doesn’t want to marry Misook.” You hear Johnny chide.

“Oh hell, she doesn’t want to marry him either; she went around that party with her boyfriend on her arm, practically introducing him as the love of her life, and Jaehyun was just the ‘guy-she-had-to-marry’.” Retorts Yuta.

“Jaehyun’s parents looked like they wanted to kill her!” Jiwoo laughs. Johnny has noticed you getting ready to leave, and he stops you as you are walking out the door.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?” He asks in a low voice. Your phone dings and you check it as a distraction. It’s Jaehyun. You don’t really know what to say to him now, the last time you had seen each other you had sex and he told you he loved you.

“I’m fine, I’m just feeling a bit light headed so I think I’ll skip tonight; but have fun!” Your voice cracks. Your phone dings again. Please go away. You quickly turn to leave your friends and go home. It’s raining outside, so you decide to walk home. Might as well be completely miserable through and through. You feel nauseas as you realize that Jaehyun wasn’t simply apologizing for saying that he loved you, he was apologizing for not telling you this as well. Everyone already knew. Yes, they knew and they knew her. Whereas Jaehyun hadn’t shared any of this information with you.

————————————————————

About an hour after you got home, when you were sitting on couch after your shower (the same couch that you had sat on Jaehyun’s face on less than a week ago) when John texted you.

<Jaehyun never told you did he?>

<No> was your short reply. Jaehyun had texted you at least a dozen times, but you ignored them all. Against better judgment, you read the engagement announcement that had been released late that afternoon. Jaehyun and Misook were to be married in five months; you were relieved that you left in four.


	3. Chapter III

Jaehyun hadn’t tried to contact you since Saturday morning; it was Sunday morning, and you had ignored his messages. Was it rude? Was it selfish? Maybe, probably; but you had felt an absolute fool on Friday. Jaehyun attempted to meet your gaze, and you replied shortly to his pleasantries. Johnny and Yuta tried to break the ice that had formed in your little jogging group, not understanding why the mood had drastically changed.

It was Johnny’s turn to host breakfast afterward, and you forced yourself to try as hard as possible to socialize and act normal. You joked easily with Yuta while he scrambled eggs, and caught Jaehyun frowning in deep thought out of the corner of your eye. Johnny was at the convenience store and Yuta in the bathroom when Jaehyun broke the icy silence in the kitchen.

“Can we talk about it, please?”

“About what?” You sighed loudly.

“Look, I’m really sorry. I never wished for that—I didn’t even know that it was being announced yet. I really did want to tell you; I feel ashamed about not being honest with you.” His voice was low and his eyes never left your figure. You slowly shook your head, annoyed with his words.

“Well, I felt exceedingly stupid. What did you gain? Why couldn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid…if I told you I would never have a chance—“

“To fuck me? To say that you apparently love me?” You turned towards him, your voice getting louder “Maybe I would have still slept with you if you had told me. Maybe we would have been lovers of ill fate with no happy end…but you took away any power I had in that decision by not telling me.”

“I wasn’t trying to trick you! It’s not like I knew far beforehand that we were going to have sex—“ Jaehyun stopped talking very abruptly, looking beyond you; Johnny’s roommate, Ten, had come into the room with neither of you noticing. The three of you blushed scarlet, and Ten looked uncomfortable. You felt tears of shame prick your eyes as the sound of the front door opening broke the silence in the room. Johnny was whistling, and Jaehyun drew attention to the fruit he was cutting while you discreetly wiped the tears that threatened to fall.

The rest of breakfast went smoothly, Yuta, Johnny, and Ten talking and laughing comfortably. The food sat like lead in your stomach, and Jaehyun barely touched the food on his plate.

“Are you okay?” Ten pulled you aside and asked as you were about to leave. You had only met him a couple of times, and were not close with him.

“I’m fine, but thank you. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” You said with an apologetic smile. You knew that Jaehyun was under no obligation to tell you about Misook, despite this you almost felt…had. You played his love confession over and over in your mind; maybe he said that to every girl he slept with, but that seemed unlikely because it had most definitely killed the mood a week ago. You were gradually realizing just how much you didn’t know Jaehyun. Usually, he hung out with Johnny and that’s when you might see him. He had asked Yuta to the art gallery opening before you, and only asked you to accompany him when Yuta declined. Apart from a drive home every so often, you could only count the number of times the two of you had been alone together on two hands. You had absolutely no idea what his job was, only that it was something at the company he was set to inherit. There had been an awkward introduction to his parents one morning a few months ago: it was the only time the two of you had gone jogging together without Yuta or Johnny, and Jaehyun had insisted on stopping by his parents’ house to sign a few papers. He also insisted that they weren’t going to be home, but that was quite untrue you realized once you got there. His parents interviewed you for about 20 minutes before Jaehyun managed to pull them off.

There was this gnawing feeling of regret in the pit of your belly; unfortunately, you had enjoyed it so much and you would be lying if you said you hadn’t thought about doing it again.

Standing in close proximity of Jaehyun now made you extremely aroused, so by the time you got home you had quite literally been wet for hours. During your shower you let your fingers wander, stroking yourself and massaging your breasts; it all feels really nice, but you can’t get the release you desperately crave. For nearly 15 minutes you are trying everything that has worked in the past, even fantasizing about people that you found attractive—except Jaehyun. You are finally forced to give in and imagine that these are Jaehyun’s hands, and picture how Jaehyun’s face looked from between your thighs. It leaves you a shaking and moaning mess as your orgasm builds and builds before washing over you.

————————————————————————————

On Tuesday when you walk into the small teachers’ lounge to make a tea, you see Yuta and Johnny in deep conversation that is abruptly halted as you approach them with your steaming cup.

“Hey,” Johnny says with a softening expression, while Yuta frowns down at his hands. “Wanna sit?” He gestures to the chair across from himself.

“No, I only have a couple of minutes.” You say, wondering if Ten might have said something to his roommate. You really hoped not, the thought of everyone knowing that made your stomach hurt. They had obviously been talking about you when you came into the room.

“Are you okay?” Johnny asks as you go to turn away.

“Of course, why?” You smile, but your stomach feels sick.

“You seemed upset the other day.”

“I was just in a bad mood.” You lied with a smile, and with a little laugh, you turned and left. Through the years you had perfected your fake smiles and laughs to look and sound almost identical to the real thing. They made your lies more convincing, and allowed you to appear to brush off almost anything without so much as an emotional scratch. In reality, your stomach was churning just thinking about the possibility of Ten telling Johnny. You didn’t want their disdain, or worse; their pity.

You tried to pinpoint exactly what had you so upset. Any relationship that might have developed between you and Jaehyun would have been short lived, and you were mostly in it for the physical reasons, right? But if it was just sex, why did you feel wronged? You simultaneously wanted to avoid Jaehyun, yell at him, and have him back in your bed.

The first thing is difficult to do when Jaehyun shows up at your apartment that evening. He’s completely unannounced, though it’s unlikely that you would have responded if he had tried to contact you. You watch him for a few moments through the peep-hole, he stands outside your door soberly clasping a brown paper bag with a determined expression on his face. He seems to decide to leave when he places the bag on the ground and turns away, without a thought you open the door and he turns back to you quickly and picks up the bag looking surprised that you chose to see him. Your action surprises yourself, the feeling to avoid him is apparently not strong enough.

“Here’s your stuff,” Jaehyun says as he holds out the bag to you.

“My what?” You have no idea what he could have of yours. He glances down and speaks rather apologetically.

“Your bra, it was in my car.”

“Oh…thanks.” So much for yelling at him. The silence was awkward, and you both wanted to say something but were waiting for the other to speak first.

“I’m sorry, again.” Jaehyun finally says, and again you feel a flare of anger in the pit of your stomach. Your grip tightens on the bag you’re holding, and you purse your lips as your gaze meets his. I trusted you, you want to tell him.

“What was the point? You had plenty of opportunities to tell me—hell, you had months to tell me! If you had told me personally, even after we slept together, I wouldn’t be anywhere near as upset.”

“Then it was real.”

“What?” He had spoken with such finality, but you couldn’t let him get away with an apology and half an explanation.

“Then it was all real! I was finally getting the life my parents dreamt up for me when I was born: big company, arranged marriage to a beautiful wife—like a puppet, unable to make any executive decisions. Needless to say, they didn’t approve of you as a suitable partner for me or replacement for Misook. Telling you—whom I love—that I was marrying someone else was heartbreaking: it was admitting my final defeat.” His voice was frustrated and he looks away from you, clenching his jaw.

“Jaehyun,” his head whips around to look at you, and his expression immediately softens when your eyes meet. “You don’t even know me,” you tell him sadly.

“Not as well as I would have liked, but better than you think.” His smile is regretful as he continues, “I know you hate coriander, that you get bored easily when you don’t have a normal schedule, you like music that makes you feel sad, your hands are always cold, you lie much too well, and it bothers you if someone doesn’t push their chair into the table after they are done using it—or if someone doesn’t close a door properly! You’re extremely practical, but you also love a good thrill. You want everyone to think that you’re calm and aloof so that nothing can truly get to you, but I know that you notice and feel a lot more than you like to admit.”

“Jaehyun, everyone feels that—“

“I would wear my heart on my sleeve for you if I thought that would work.” His sincerity leaves a tight feeling in your chest and you feel more drawn to him than ever. You don’t do anything more than look into his eyes, but when he moves to turn away you grab the front of his shirt. His brown eyes were hopeful as they scanned your face, was this fair you wondered; you might never be able to reciprocate his feelings. You shifted closer to him. Maybe that would be better, it would hurt less when this all ended in a few months. Jaehyun let you make every move until you were pulling down his head to meet your upturned lips, which he kissed softly yet hungrily. Your hands grip his shirt tightly as you gently tug him into your apartment; your mouths never parting.

————————————————————————————

You wake up before your alarm, which you turn off as you get up so as to not wake Jaehyun. After more than a week of spending almost every night with him, there is still a little part of you that doesn’t trust that he’s not left something else out. It’s an irrational fear you experience almost every morning: the dread of when the next big lie will come out. But it’s okay, you’re the big secret now.

It’s a secret on Sunday morning when Jaehyun is begging to fuck you.

“Pretty please,” he whispers against your neck as you’re straddling him and his hands are gripping your ass.

“We have less than fifteen minutes, so you better wear a condom because I don’t have time to clean up your mess.” You say to him with a raised eyebrow. He feigns hurt.

“Sassy, aren’t you darling?” But he pushes you off to run to the bathroom for a condom. “You’re very eager,” Jaehyun comments when he returns to find you naked from the waist down.

“So are you, baby.” You grin as you take his perky cock in your hands, stroking it and then giving the tip a teasing swirl of your tongue. Jaehyun lets out a low groan, before plopping down and rolling on the prophylactic. In no time you have straddled Jaehyun again and sunk down onto his plump cock.

“Oh god, baby boy, you fill me so well” you moan as you ride him. You feel your release building quickly with each roll of your hips, and Jaehyun helps by thrusting up into you. Your breathy gasps fill the room and you push your hands up Jaehyun’s shirt to pinch his nipples. You pick up your pace and let out a loud whimper as you rush towards your orgasm uncomfortably fast.

“Oh my god, YN, holy…fuck.” Jaehyun just manages to get out as you begin to squeeze his cock with your pussy to get him off faster.

“I can’t hold off much longer,” you gasp between moans, and you bring your hand up to your mouth to stifle them.

“Cum, Mommy,” he chants the name under his breath, it turns you both on more than you dare to admit. Jaehyun rubs little circles on your clit bringing you to your peak. Your spasms bring him over the edge just after you.

After, you’re off him in a flash to clean up your own stickiness that threatens to run down your thighs.

“Come on, baby boy, you don’t have time to just lay there.” You say kissing his forehead and smiling at him fondly as you put your jogging pants back on. You run out to the couch and grab a magazine off the coffee table just as the buzzer sounds, letting you know that Johnny and Yuta have arrived. Jaehyun bolts out of his bedroom to answer the door.

“Hi,”

“Good morning!” Johnny replies happily. “Good morning, YN!” He says as soon as he spots you on the couch. Jaehyun looks extremely flustered for a moment as if deciding what to do next.

“Okay, should we go then?” He asks grabbing his keys.

“Dude, your pants?” Yuta says, and Jaehyun looks down at the jeans he threw on in a rush.

“Oh,” he quickly returns to his room.

Yuta, Johnny and you wait for Jaehyun by the door. He comes out in less than a minute later in a pair of shorts and begins to quickly put his sneakers on.

“Do you want blisters?” You ask him.

“What? Oh, socks!” And he runs back to his room. Yuta visibly rolls his eyes, and you try to hide your smirk.

“Is he okay?” Johnny asks with a laugh.

It’s a secret on Friday night When you’re out for drinks with Mark, Daniel, and Jiwoo.

“I’m horny” Jaehyun whispers into your ear. You laugh and smile at him,

“Okay,” there is no preset plan, so Jaehyun just leaves toward the direction of the bathroom while you stay to finish listening to the story Mark is telling. Mark’s laughter is somewhat contagious, but he keeps laughing before he gets to the really funny parts.

“Does anyone want another drink?” You ask standing up. You give the bartender your order “And have it brought to table 7, please.” You have left Jaehyun alone for nearly two minutes by the time you reach the bathroom.

“I almost thought you weren’t coming.” He laughed into your neck.

“I’m not, you are.” You tell him between kisses. He pulls away and his eyes visibly darken as the harsh fluorescent lighting touches his face.

“I’m going to have to make it up to you when we get home.” He says with a grin as he kisses you again. You smile against his mouth as you palm the front of his pants, before pulling away and grabbing toilet paper to cover the floor for you to kneel on. Your touches have left him sufficiently hard by the time you have freed his cock from his underwear. Your hands squeeze the backs of Jaehyun’s thighs while your tongue teases the tip of his dick. At first, you alternate between licks and tongue swirls until he’s fully hard and you begin to shallowly bob your head, hollowing your cheeks but keeping your tongue rubbing the underside of his cock. Jaehyun is trying to control his breathing as best he can, but you can hear the sharpness on the intake and a slight moan as he breathes out. You relax your throat and take him all the way in, closing your eyes on the tears that form from the strong urge to gag. You swallow around him a few times, eliciting soft whines that spill from his lips, and then set a slow pace hoping he will catch on to thrust into your mouth at his own speed. You pull against his thighs and he seems to understand what you want as he starts to slowly rock his cock into your mouth. You bring your hand up to play with his balls, earning low moans and he picks up his pace. You keep your tongue pressed up against him as he thrusts quickly but gently into your mouth, his moans getting more frequent and slightly higher. You hum against him to distract yourself from wanting to gag.

“Holy…oh god, I’m gonna…oh fuck” Jaehyun says between heavy breaths and he makes one last strangled moan before spilling his cum into your mouth. Some spills out of your mouth and down your chin before dripping into the floor by your knees. Post orgasm Jaehyun is always beautiful and pink, and his hair had stayed perfectly bouncy this time around. Before you can wipe off your chin, Jaehyun takes a piece of tissue clean up his cum on your face.

“You’re perfect.” He tells you with a soft smile and his hands cup your face.

“Perfection doesn’t exist.” You tell him with a smile that’s meant to be sly but actually feels a little sad.

It’s a secret that four of you share when you go to the movies with Jaehyun, Misook and her boyfriend, Minseok. You and Minseok pretend that you’re an item tagging along with the engaged happy couple. Neither of you is thrilled by this arrangement, but it’s perfect for very public outings as people have been keeping tabs on Jaehyun and Misook for the society page. Misook has an abrasive sense of humour, but she is otherwise kind and knows what she wants. Minseok is a TA at a University and is definitely more of a listener and watcher than a participator. You double date with them once a week to meet Misook and Jaehyun’s parents’ expectations of them spending time together. Probably not what the Songs and Jungs meant, but at least they were in the same room so it was a step toward marriage.

You and Jaehyun try your best to never miss an opportunity to kiss in empty elevators, or have sex in his car late at night in the parking garage. You go grocery shopping together to make sure that each of your refrigerators is filled with things that the other likes. There are lazy movie nights with no sex, and other nights that you can’t be together so you just call and talk on the phone until late into the night. Jaehyun makes your favourite dish from your country, and it’s good but you make it with him again to show him how to make it even better. He shows you his favourite places in the city, mostly reclusive spots where you can sit and think, or are at least inspired to speak in hushed voices. You both laugh a lot, which feels wonderful.

It’s your secret that you’re falling in love with him. He tells you often that he loves you, never expecting anything in return for that confession; he just wants you to know and he knows he only has a limited time to say it. When he kisses you goodbye at the door of your apartment, you want to say it back to him. When he brushes your hair back from your face, you want to say it. Or when his legs tangle with yours on the couch or in bed, your chest aches to say those three words. Sometimes they burn in your throat, and they keep you up at night to listen to Jaehyun’s soft breathing.

One morning about two months in, you roll over in Jaehyun’s bed with a smile on your face; only to find his side of the bed empty. You listened for a moment and heard nothing in the apartment, you checked your phone and read a text from Jaehyun saying that he went out to get you some banana milk. You smile happily and close your eyes, tired from a night of intense lovemaking. You force yourself to get up and go to the bathroom to wash off any of the stickiness from the night before. You come out of the bathroom and pick up a t-shirt of Jaehyun’s that’s thrown onto a chair to put on. You hear noise in the kitchen and smile at the thought of him letting you sleep in.

“My legs are still wobbly from last night!” You say loudly with a laugh as you make your way down the hall towards the kitchen. You hear another noise, but no reply.

“Jae?” You ask timidly, reaching for the wall for more support. You stand there in Jaehyun’s shirt, embarrassed and unsure of what to do as Jaehyun’s parents look at you with an annoyed expression. You bow uncomfortably and say hello. They do not return your greeting and his mother grimaces and turns away from you. You offer tea, which his father accepts, and sit across from them in Jaehyun’s living room while the tea is steeping.

“Where is Jaehyun?” His father asks.

“Out getting banana milk.” You say with a heavy blush.

“I bought Jaehyun that shirt.” His mother says coldly, she’s finally looking at you with an expression of contempt.

“Oh,” is all you can say, you have never wanted to be able to magically disappear so badly in your life.

“He doesn’t even drink banana milk, why is he going and buying it?” She was now talking as though she couldn’t see you. You feel chilled, and you wonder if your nipples are visible through the shirt. You hear a key at the lock and let out a shaky breathe of relief. Jaehyun immediately sees the three of you sitting there as he walks in.

“What’s going on? How did you even get in?” He immediately begins defensively.

“We pay for the apartment, you think we don’t have a key? And what the hell is this, anyway?” Mr. Jung gestures at you. “You’re getting married in a few months, and this is how you’re wasting your time?” Your throat was actually aching from trying not to cry. Jaehyun looked like he was about to lose it, but he sat down next to you and held your hand before taking in a deep breath:

“It’s my apartment, and I can have anyone here whom I please.” He says very controlled “Misook has also chosen to follow her heart’s desires for the time being. We’re giving you so much, allow us this one happiness.” Jaehyun squeezes your hand as he says this. The bag with your banana milk in it sits at his feet.

“What Misook’s parents let her do is their concern, it’s not our fault they can’t control—“

“Control her? I’m almost thirty years old! I have as much right to be with someone I love as the next person.” He says angrily.

“Jaehyun—“ his mother starts.

“Get out.” Jaehyun snaps, standing up, pulling you with him. His parents slowly get up to leave, his father taking one last sip of his tea. Jaehyun tucks you into his side as the door closes behind them, and you bury your face into his shirt.

“I’m so sorry about that, YN, they won’t do anything though. Are you okay my little love?” You look up at him and two big tears run down your cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” He asks you, worried, and he cups your face and softly wipes your fallen tears.

You love him. You love him. You love him. You love him. You love him. But you can’t bring yourself to say it, because you know it will hurt so much.


	4. Chapter IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contains smut and swearing (oral & pegging as well)

_“You’ve had a long list of lovers, but none of them mattered to you except me. I’ve had a long list of lovers, but none of them mattered to me except you.”_

“Have you told Jaehyun you love him?” Misook asks you point blank one day. The two of you have been hanging out together, mostly for a quick coffee or lunch.

“What!” You sputter, choking on your hot tea.

“I noticed, but I don’t think anyone else has really noticed so you’re safe.” She assures upon you upon noticing the look of terror that crosses your face. Over the past few weeks, the thought of telling Jaehyun you loved him became less terrifying. You ran the words over in your mind and they made you smile. You thought them when you and Jaehyun were debating the possibility and probability of the existence of aliens. And you thought of them when you went to sleep at night, and let the warm, comforting feeling wash over you. You accepted it as fact now, but it was still your secret—well, and now Misook’s.

“Would it be awkward if you were at my dress fitting?” Misook asked.

“Yes,” you laugh shaking your head at this ridiculous situation.

Jaehyun is a frowner. And a spontaneous smiler. It’s been almost three months, and the Jaehyun you casually knew was more of an idealist and less curious than the man you were in love with now.

“Do you see it as half-empty or half-full?” He asks placing a glass of water on the table in front of you.

“Do you ever think you’re boring?” You ask looking up from your book, not sparing a glance at the glass of water.

“No, I like all the stuff I enjoy doing—I asked first!” Jaehyun laughed and pointed at the glass as he sat down opposite you. You put your chin on the table, and Jaehyun did the same so you could look at each other through the glass.

“It depends on how thirsty I am.” You finally shrug at him with a grin, and he reaches under the table and pinches your bare leg. You squeal and then scream as he jumps to his feet, causing you to scramble from your chair and run across the apartment trying to escape his reach. Jaehyun soon traps you in his arms as you have no place run where you won’t be cornered. He throws you over his shoulder, and you squirm in his grip between giddy laughter and light pants of breath. He drops you onto the couch before climbing on top of you and pinning you down.

“Do you ever think you’re boring?” Jaehyun asks you, his face is inches from yours and his hair brushes your forehead.

“Often,” your heart is still beating fast from the adrenaline rush you had just gotten. You reach up with your hand to touch him and his grip on your wrist slackens and then finally lets go so that you can brush his hair back from his face. He smiles and his cheeks dimple as he leans into your touch and his eyes gently close. He brings your other wrist up to his face and places kisses all over your hand and on the soft skin on the inside of your wrist. You continue to stroke his hair as Jaehyun kisses below your ear and down your neck, before resting his head on your chest with a sigh of contentment. He lets go of your other wrist so that you can hold him against you, and his hand travels easily up the shirt of his that you are wearing to slide his fingers under the waistband of your underwear, to rest his hand on your hip, before falling asleep there.

“Jaehyun,” you softly say to wake him, and your hands stroke his shoulders and back. He stirs and gently awakes before quickly looking up at you, and in those moments of looking into your eyes after sleep breaks his heart a little; because it feels to him as if you’re already looking at him to say goodbye.

————————————————————————-

“I’m so tired, I really have to get going.” You grimace in apology to Johnny. It’s a lie. You’re going over to Jaehyun’s so the two of you can put on facemasks together.

“We barely ever see you anymore,” Johnny says following you to the door of his apartment, he pouts at you and brushes his hand against your arm.

“Johnny, we work together; we see each other every day!” You laugh and brush your hand against his arm in return. “I promise I’ll see you on Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday morning.”

Jaehyun excuses his way out of Johnny’s apartment soon after you and arrives home to you already with his new playlist started, getting into your pajamas.

“Hurry up and get into your pjs, Mister.” You say as you slap Jaehyun’s ass and skip out of his bedroom. You have a selection of sheet masks spread for the both of you to choose. After you both pick a mask he nudges you and you look up at him and it’s always the same feeling: the quickening heartbeat and the overwhelming feeling of love for him.

“We both chose firming masks,” Jaehyun whispers with a laugh “we must be getting old.” Yes, but not together you think sadly.

When you are standing together in front of the mirror in his bathroom putting on the masks your eyes meet. You both look rather comical trying to smooth down all the corners and tuck it in around the nose. You don’t know why, but you laugh, completely ruining the positioning of your mask. It’s contagious, and Jaehyun is soon laughing but he runs out of the bathroom complaining about the mask getting crinkled. You take some deep breaths to calm down your laughter, but as soon as Jaehyun enters the bathroom straightening his mask you burst into hysterical laughter again.

“Oh my fucking god,” He mutters running out again trying to control the contagious laughter. “Stop fucking laughing!” Jaehyun falls to his knees laughing as he says this from the hallway. You’re laughing so hard that can’t breathe, and you’re clutching your stomach as you sit down on the floor.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun has crawled to the bathroom door and he hides his face from you as his body shakes with laughter.

“No,” you cry, there are actual tears now and you try to breathe in to stop laughing. You fix your mask with a deep breath, willing yourself to keep a straight face when you finally look at Jaehyun. Your mouth tries to curl up at the corners “I’m fine, it’s okay.” You reassure him, but you quickly avert your eyes just to be safe.

Soon you are sitting cross-legged across from one another holding each other’s hands.

“Tell me about this one time when you were pegged.” You tell him, and Jaehyun lazily strokes the back of your hand with his thumb.

“Well, I lied…it was more than once. I actually really liked it.”

“Do you want me to do that?” You ask, forced to conceal the smile that pulls at your mouth.

“Yes, I would love that.” He says with a squeeze of your hands.

“How old were you when you first had sex?” Jaehyun quizzes next.

“Eighteen,”

“Was he any good?”

“She was nice, and we enjoyed it, but that was nothing compared to you.” His ears blushed pink at your confession.

“What did you want to be when you grew up?” You ask.

“Hm, I remember wanting to be a singer, but I also thought being a detective would be cool. I never seriously looked into anything else because I knew that someday I would take over my family’s company.” He shrugged. You leaned over to place a kiss on his hand.

“Do you want children someday?” He asks.

“Yes,” he always asks the questions that hurt.

“How many do you want?”

“Two or three,” you tell him as a lump begins to form in your throat. Jaehyun squeezes your hands as you avert your eyes, afraid of what you might give away.

“I love you.” He says softly, almost as a reminder. As if you need to be reminded of that; it was all you could think about, it consumed you and sometimes came crashing down on you drowning out the rest of the world.

“What does it feel like saying that?” Your voice betrays you slightly by cracking.

“It’s painful, but it’s also like being able to breathe again.” Jaehyun’s words are heavy, but you think that breathing again might be nice.

“How long have you loved me?” And you scan his face, which remains expressionless because of the mask, waiting for his answer.

“Eleven months,” you are both quiet after he says this.

“Do you enjoy taking risks?” He finally asks after a minute.

“Sometimes…if I hadn’t we wouldn’t be here right now.” Your heart had never beat so fast, but you were more in love with Jaehyun than you had been with anyone else in your whole life.

“I’m glad you took that risk.” He says with the smallest smile and his gaze drops to his and your clasped hands.

“Jaehyun,” you licked your lips, and he looked at your face again “You took a bigger risk because you were in love and I wasn’t.” Wasn’t, wasn’t, wasn’t; not ’am not’…because you were now and what if you missed the chance to ever say it. There was nothing you wanted to say to him more, you wanted to tell him every day, and you wanted him to know every minute of every day that you loved him back. Jaehyun noticed your wording, and his breathing became noticeable and he squeezed your hands so tightly they hurt. Say it, say it, say you love him, you coward. The seconds seemed like minutes, and the timer on Jaehyun’s phone went off causing you to jump. He lets go of your hand to silence his phone and quickly pull off his sheet mask.

“Are you now?” He asks grabbing your hand again as his eyes search yours for some sort of answer.

“Yes,” you breathe, and Jaehyun seems to grow smaller “I love you.” You finally croak, and then you feel the weightlessness as you see Jaehyun’s expression soften. It’s as if you can suddenly breathe, you have finally allowed yourself to live your truth. You pull off your mask “I love you, I love you,” Your voice is stronger every time and you have moved closer to Jaehyun and your eyes’ never leave each other. “Jaehyun, I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” And he’s cupping your face, which is damp and sticky with mask essence. Then it’s his lips and your lips, you feel that your chest might explode because of how right this feels. The touches are soft and exploratory in a new way, and slow because this is not a desperate act between two people. It feels like this was meant to happen; everything in life has been leading to this moment. His weight pressing you down onto the floor is perfect, every sharp intake of air is perfect: maybe you were wrong, maybe perfection does exist—this was your perfection. Anyone else’s perfect was different, but you had found yours. The secret was out, and it had never felt closer, never felt deeper, and you had never felt more alive while drowning in love.

What you feel in the morning must be happiness, but not the joyful kind. This was mature, fulfilling happiness; not the kind you ever thought existed until one day you just suddenly knew it did. ‘I love yous’ were muttered against each other’s lips, and whispered in ears, and breathed against skin. Every mark sucked onto your body feels different, and the sharp bites on Jaehyun’s neck and hips are out of love. The best part now is that he knows. He knows as he fucks you against the shower wall, or when he bends you over the kitchen counter and covers your mouth with his hand to muffle your moans. He knows when he goes out for late night drives, and you’re falling asleep in the passenger seat as his playlist of mellow love songs envelopes you. He knows you really mean it when you say “Let’s make love on the couch.”, and he knows this is going to hurt like hell in the end.

Jaehyun savours your taste, and the way you grip his hair as he eats you out. Little whimpers fall freely from your lips as his tongue strokes from your slit to your clit. You’re propped up on pillows so that you can watch him, and he makes eye contact with you while he gently sucks your clit. You don’t dare break the eye contact as he continues to suck, lick, and flick the sensitive little hood, and you spread your legs wider as he slips a single slender digit into your wet sex.

“Jaehyun,” you gasp his name, and the sound falls from your lips like it’s the most beautiful word. “ah…yes, yes—no please don’t stop, don’t ever stop” you breathe as he teases you by removing his mouth. You can feel the cocky smile that he tries to hide from your gaze as he places wet kisses along your inner thighs and adds a second finger inside of you. Your cunt squelches from the movement of his fingers which disgusts and, simultaneously, turns you on.

“You sound so good, baby,” Jaehyun growls before swirling his tongue around your clit. Your hips buck up against his mouth and hand, as your head rolls back and a loud whimper slips past your lips.

“Shhhh” Jaehyun breathes against your core “Remember baby, it’s too early for that.” The kisses he places on your hip and lower belly are tender, but he harshly pinches your nipple with his free hand. You gasp and quickly cover your mouth. His fingers fuck you slowly and his mouth is everywhere but where you most want it. You only allow the softest and breathiest moans to slip from your mouth as Jaehyun’s fingers repeatedly graze the sensitive spot inside you.

“That’s better, darling, you were going to wake people up. You’re such a noisy little girl.” He calmly tells you above your light noises, and his mouth quickly returns to pleasuring your little nub. He expertly coordinates the movement of his fingers and his tongue as you lift your hips up off the mattress. His free hand pins your hips to the mattress, and his fingers fuck you faster as you begin to feel an overwhelming sense of warmth in your lower belly and core. Jaehyun’s tongue flicks your clit soft and fast, sometimes alternating between light licks and swirls, but he knows it’s the licks that you like most. The build up to your climax is hot and glorious, and you hold it off for as long as possible—until his fast tongue motions send you over the edge as you squeeze his head between your thighs, and screw your eyes closed tightly as your toes curl in pleasure. Gasps and high moans slip gently passed your lips, and your hand is ready to cover your mouth in case you become too loud. As your orgasm subsides, Jaehyun’s fingers gradually slow to a stop and the licks he places on your core are long and gentle, as he’s careful of your sensitivity right now. He tenderly kisses up your body and lays beside you. Jaehyun encourages you when you roll over to half lay across him by embracing you and pressing kisses to your face and neck. You gladly kiss Jaehyun back and open your mouth to him to make the kiss deeper. This should never end, but both of you are very aware of the calendar on the desk and the letter of acceptance for a PhD program addressed to you that lies next to it. Neither of you is willing to admit that this scares you; the love, the dependency, and the parting. Jaehyun hasn’t asked you when you’re leaving, but you know that he knows the day and he’s just as afraid to talk about it as you are.

_________________________________

The secret keeping from everyone gets messy as you and Jaehyun spend more time with each other. The lies become worse and worse: Jaehyun tells Mark that he spent the night at his parents one morning as Mark stands outside of the door to Jaehyun’s apartment, and Jaehyun quickly leaves your bed to meet his friend; your parents catch him in a background during a Skype session, and you introduce him as your neighbour that needed to use your kitchen; Yuta questions it when the lady who lives across the hall from Jaehyun knows your name—and you can’t think up an excuse.

“Mrs. Kang is dropping off a parcel that got delivered to her instead of me, so can you get it from her when she stops by?” You ask Jaehyun one morning as you get ready for work, slipping out of one of his button-down shirts and into the shower.

“Of course,” and he pulls your naked body up against his before you can step into the stream of water, to place a kiss against your lips with a smile. Jaehyun goes back to cutting up fruit for your lunch, which he occasionally enjoys making and packing for you. There is a knock on the door, and Jaehyun quickly rinses his hands and goes to answer it. Two boxes he helped you pack last night sit peacefully next to the door, ready to be sent back to your home and he feels a little piece of his heart break off when he sees them. Was this what you had felt the other day when you saw his wedding tuxedo in his apartment? Jaehyun remembered you averting your eyes when you realized what it was. He is somewhat distracted by the boxes as he opens the door, but standing there is not Kind-but-No-Nonsense Mrs. Kang; it’s Johnny Seo. They are both obviously taken back, neither finding who they expected on the other side of the door.

“Hyung,” Jaehyun starts when he sees Johnny eye him up and down, but his voice fades when he remembers that he is still in his pajamas and there is no way to possibly talk his way out of this. Johnny pushes past Jaehyun into the apartment and stands listening to the shower run, with the younger man standing next to him looking down at his feet.

“You’re so stupid,” Johnny says sadly, shaking his head. “I mean, why now? Why not a year ago? Why not never! Are you just trying to hurt yourself?”

“I love her,” Jaehyun says quietly and he raises his head to look at his friend.

“I know,” and Johnny turns to him, “I know you do.” Johnny notices the boxes now, and their address.

“Look, I’m not going to tell you what you can or can’t do with your life—break your own heart, whatever—but don’t break hers.”

_It’s too late for that_ Jaehyun thinks. Johnny goes to leave, though he has never made it clear why he came in the first place.

“Oh,” Johnny begins, and then he swallows as if he has a lump in his throat, “Tell Y/N that Kun’s going away party is tonight right after work, so if she wants to wear something special she should bring it with her to work.”

“Why couldn’t you text her that?” Asks Jaehyun, though he nods his head to indicate that he will tell you.

“She’s leaving in three weeks, I want to say as much as I can to her face.” Johnny turns slowly and walks out the door, but just as Jaehyun is closing it his hand reaches out to stop it.

“One last thing,” says Johnny, and Jaehyun has an urge to force the door close to shut the two of you off from the rest of the world. “Did you sleep with her before or after the engagement announcement came out?” He knew, and there was no point in lying to him.

“Before,” Jaehyun says grimly, and he frowns as he puts pressure on the door, but Johnny does not recede.

“That was a fucking jackass move, you had months to tell her. You’ll never get to see Y/N’s face that night, and I’ll never forget it.”

————————————————————————————

“Let’s go away next week,” Jaehyun suggests one evening during dinner. “You’ll be done work, and then it can be just the two of us with no obligations to anything. Let’s be nothing but in love for a week.” His words make a piece of your heart fracture, this was going to be over too soon. The days were rushing passed, and you wanted nothing more than to slow the universe down so that you could at least savour every short second you had left with him.

“Okay, that sounds nice.” You smile at him, but sometimes something as simple as looking at him makes you nearly choke with tears now. You swallow them, it’s too soon for that and you don’t want to ruin what time there is. “Considering the time differences in the places we were born, we were born just two months and one hour apart.” You tell him, and you smile but your lips quiver. Maybe it was flower arrangement samples on the table that Jaehyun was supposed to choose from or the property listings that sat untouched on his desk, where he was supposed to look for the perfect house to live in with Misook. Yes, you needed to be far away from the apartments that reminded you of nothing else but the impending separation.

Johnny never says anything to you, but Jaehyun told you that he knows. You silently thank him every day; for treating you the same, for respecting it; even if he saw better than you and Jaehyun that you were just breaking your hearts for each other. Being with Jaehyun is bliss, though. The little arguments about the same things that aren’t that important are perfect; waking up together with messy hair is perfect; adjusting to each other’s idiosyncrasies is perfect. You want no one else, you want nothing else. Jaehyun never asks for you to give up a career you spent years studying for. He never asks for you to stay here and continue teaching while being his mistress, and you are grateful for that. He encourages your ambitions and he asks about your family and home life. You tell him where your favourite places to play as a child were and your favourite games, and you tell him that you want to raise your own children in the house you grew up in.

“It’s perfect for hide and seek because there are all these small hidden closets.” And Jaehyun lightly strokes your face as you say this because you light up while talking about it.

———————————————————————————-

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” You ask leaning against Jaehyun’s car while he insists on loading your bags so they’re _packed correctly_.

“No—what the hell is in this, it’s so heavy! It’s summer, we’ll be near the beach, why are you bringing so much?” He huffs as he packs one larger suitcase next to his and then places a smaller bag of yours on top.

“Open it,” you say with a sly grin, gesturing to the top bag. He returns the sly expression before carefully unzipping the bag.

“My favourites,” Jaehyun says dramatically as he lifts a pair of green leather handcuffs out of the bag and clutches them to his chest. He rifles through the rest of the bag, nodding his head approvingly until something catches his eye and he stops with a sharp intake of breath.

“Is that…?”

“A strap-on? Yes,” You say in a voice smooth as honey, but you watch him intently to read his reaction. He smiles at the bag, and then at you, he smirks before zipping the bag up.

“We should’ve bought that sooner.” He leans over and whispers in your ear.

“Well, I would have if someone wasn’t so shy about what they like. Oh, I have a very fun game that I’d like to play this week, so I hope you made what I asked you to.” You say as he closes the car door and you each walk around to either side to get in.

“I did, but I really wish you would tell me what it was for.” He whined as he sat in the driver’s seat.

“You’re such a skeptic,” you laugh at him and pinch his cheek, “Don’t worry, you’ll love it.” Jaehyun grins at you before grabbing your hand and kissing the back of it.

“Ready?” He asks.

“Yes,” that was a lie, you weren’t; the sooner you spent this week together, the sooner you wouldn’t see each other again.

You were not the only people with the idea to get out of the city during the sweltering heat. Jaehyun’s hand rested high up your thigh as you sat in traffic, and you were so attracted to him that his hand _there_ made you extremely aroused. You had felt tingly for nearly an hour and were no doubt quite wet. With each passing minute, it felt as if his hand was just slowly creeping up your bare thigh towards your core. You were completely surrounded by other cars and other people when Jaehyun’s hand was finally brushing against your panties, your dress had ridden up so far with his touches that your underwear was nearly visible. You pretend that you don’t notice his hand and he doesn’t move it at all as it rests there. You spare a quick glance, pretending to look at something in his direction; he’s smirking, you know exactly what he’s doing. You try your best to hide the smile that pulls at your lips, and you slide down further in your seat so his hand presses a little more firmly against your centre.

“How are you doing?” He asks as you sigh and close your eyes, pretending like you’re going to take a nap but you’re just irritated by his teasing.

“I’m fine, I could be a lot better.” And your thigh twitches beneath Jaehyun’s fingers. You can hear the smirk in his next words.

“I’m sorry my darling, is there anything I could do to make it better?” His thumb gently strokes your thigh, he’s not going to do anything that you don’t directly ask him to do. You blush heavily and check the cars around you to see that all their occupants are only focused on what they’re doing. You won’t ask him to touch you, that’s degrading when you’re not in a begging mood. You lean your arm up against the window to support your head while also hiding part of your face, and with your other hand, you gently play with the hem of your dress before lightly rubbing yourself over your panties. Jaehyun’s expression is amused “Are you sure there’s nothing you want, baby?” You shrug and just sit there for a minute before running your hand up and down your thigh. The traffic gradually creeps forward, and just when you hit a slight break and can move a hundred feet forward you lightly guide his hand over your centre. He lazily massages you through the thin material. The traffic is stop and go once again as Jaehyun rubs you through the material, but it’s not enough for what you really want. He hums happily, to any onlooker he probably didn’t look like a guy that was about to a finger a girl in the passenger seat.

“Anything else you might like to make the car ride better, darling?” He asks very nonchalantly as if he wasn’t massaging you between your legs. You’re not going to move your underwear for him, and you don’t want to have to _ask nicely_, but Jaehyun is the competitive sort and he hates to lose or be left out.

“Jaehyun, look if you’re not up for the job I can just do it myself.” You snap as you pull your thighs closed, but before you can extricate his hand he uses it to pull your thighs back open. You hide your smirk as Jaehyun moves to prove you wrong and show you just how up to the job he is. He doesn’t rush, but his actions as he pushes your panties to the side are very deliberate and a wee bit rough. You’re embarrassingly slick already as his finger slowly strokes you. He still hums a little as you sigh in pleasure and contentment. Jaehyun rubs circles on your clit until you’re biting back gasps that threaten to spill from your lips. You’re so close to cumming when he backs off a little, he’s doing something you’ll never tell him you love. He brings you to the edge of orgasming three more times, so it sits like a fiery ball of pleasure and pressure inside of you. The circles he draws are slow and teasing, and then he changes that tempo to quick flicks and then he rubs in circles with slightly more pressure. There is no holding back now as your eyes screwed tight shut as you brace yourself with your arm against the window and you whimper as your climax consumes you and licks at your insides. Your orgasm washes over you in waves that gradually ebb away. Jaehyun guides you through it, his attention never dwindling, while he also steers gracefully through the traffic that seems to be opening up. You look over at his profile, his hand still rests caressing your thigh and his chin is slightly tucked which allows you to see his slight double chin. You smile to yourself and the sun streams in the car window, bathing you in its golden light. Once you’re on the highway and really moving Jaehyun turns on the playlist he made for this trip; it’s soft and summery, you feel like you should be in a convertible with your hair flying everywhere and getting into your mouth whenever you try and speak. You are almost asleep, and his hand feels wonderfully warm against your skin and you can’t help but think that you would happily drive across multiple countries with him.

“Jaehyun,” You murmur and turn your head to look at him.

“Mm-hmm,”

“I love you.” He looks over at you with a smile as these words leave your mouth. Jaehyun brings one of your hands to his lips and gently kisses it.

“I love you, too, Y/N.”

As soon as the car is emptied and the bags are in the little beach house you jump into Jaehyun’s arms.

“Hello, darling,” he smiles as he kisses you.

“Hi, lover,” you say as your lips form a smile against his. Jaehyun carries you as he walks to the couch and sits down. You are straddling him as you sit in his lap while holding and kissing each other. It feels wonderful, an ocean breeze drifts through the open window accompanied by the chirping of birds and insect noises. Jaehyun leans his forehead against yours, “What do you want to do?” he purrs against your skin.

“Mmhhm, have a tour?” You reply as you pull away to look at the little house you’re in. Jaehyun doesn’t miss a beat as he cockily smirks and begins to unbutton his shirt with a shrug of his broad shoulders.

“Well, I mean gladly, but it’s not like you haven’t seen it many times.” You groan and hit his chest when you realize that he’s talking about his body. “Okay, okay,” he concedes as you get off his lap and he places kisses on your hands and one more on your forehead once he stands up. The cottage is small but comfortable, the ground floor being a small kitchen, living room, with the first bedroom and bathroom. The second floor is a loft bedroom with lots of windows, a private bathroom, and a small corner desk; trees shade the afternoon sun from the west. A neighbouring rooftop can be seen through the tree foliage, but otherwise, the cottage is extremely private from the dense trees and shrubs. To the east, the sea is visible.

“The sunrise will be over the ocean here.” You say with a smile as Jaehyun hugs you from behind, and he holds you close as he sways from side to side placing kisses behind your ear. You can smell the sea in the breeze that floats through the room and your mind feels as if it’s in a little lull as Jaehyun slowly backs both of you up before falling into bed together.

————————————————————————————

You wake up from your nap hungry and roll over to find Jaehyun gone. Soon this will be normal, soon you’ll never wake up to Jaehyun again. A pen and unused letter paper sit on the nightstand, and your chest hurts at the thought of losing him.

“Hey, darling, you’re awake,” Jaehyun says softly and pulls you out of your reverie.

“Where were you?” He had startled you, but you try to brush that off with your demanding tone.

“I had to mail something.” He sits down on the bed, and he looks at you with an expression that is sad but also happy.

“Do we have any food?” You ask sitting up and you reach your hand out to hold his.

“No, we’ll have to go shopping.” Jaehyun murmurs against your head as you lean into his chest. His hand rubs circles into your back while you breathe in Jaehyun’s intoxicating scent. This was going to be the most difficult two weeks of your life; it’s only been a few hours yet you can feel the lump in your throat. You refuse to let your emotions get the best of you and are resolved to stay as calm as Jaehyun. You pull away and get up to dress as he sits and watches. There should be a lifetime more of moments like these: kissing him desperately when you’re only half dressed; tugging on his hand as you rush out the door; browsing the aisles of a convenience store looking for items that pique your appetite; intertwining fingers as you sit on the sand at the beach after midnight; curling up against his chest as you watch movies together; leaning over his shoulder when he’s on his laptop while pressing kisses to the back of his neck.

On Sunday you break out the toy that you are excited to use on Jaehyun. After breakfast and a walk, and slipping into something more comfortable (a flowy sundress and some lace boyshorts) you find him out on the patio next to the small pool and gardens; this afternoon will be all about Jaehyun. The breeze gently ruffles his dark hair and the sunlight dapples him through the tree leaves. He’s beautiful in this moment, his eyelids flutter open and close and a small smile appears when he feels you sit down next to him.

“Hello, sweetpea” you coo as you brush the hair back from his temples and place soft kisses around his mouth. You are pleasantly surprised when Jaehyun grabs the back of your neck to guide your lips to his, his eagerness is apparent in the hungry and decisive kisses. Your hands slowly explore his body as he pulls you closer so that you have to straddle him. You suck on his lower lip and pull it between your teeth, as you grind against the front of his pants you gently tug at his hair to pull his head back. Once his neck is exposed you are able to suck and nip at it, earning low moans as he reaches up to play with your breasts.

“You don’t have to, today is about you.” You tell him.

“I know, but It feels good for me too.” And you can’t deny him anything, especially when you enjoy it so much. You continue to lazily roll your hips against his crotch every now and again as your mouths’ meet again and tongues’ explore. Gradually, each hip motion draws a low groan from Jaehyun’s lips and his hand glides up your leg and beneath your dress. He softly caresses your thigh with his long pretty fingers “Let’s go inside.” he says as you suck a mark onto his soft skin. You’re very coy as you lead him into the house, never letting go of his hand as you gently lead him to the couch and have him sit so that you can straddle him again.

“Why aren’t we going upstairs?” He pulls away to ask, he looks disappointed and you let out an airy, tinkling laugh.

“Be patient, my love,” you tell him as you stroke his cheeks and brush his hair off of his face again. His lips are firm against yours as you grip his shoulder and neck gently. Jaehyun’s hand makes its way up your dress so that his hand is resting on your back. This moment could last a hundred years and you wouldn’t get tired of it. The golden sun beams through the tall windows, but a breeze causes goosebumps to prick your skin; except where yours and Jaehyun’s skin touches causing it to burn with desire. Jaehyun inhales sharply as you palm his crotch before slipping a hand up his shirt. You part briefly so that he can remove his shirt and you gently pinch and rub his nipples. His tongue submits to yours, only pulling you closer to himself as you take control of the deep kiss before paying homage to his neck and collarbone. You play his toned body as well you possibly can; reading and reacting to his every twitch and every moan. You don’t leave an inch of Jaehyun’s upper body unexplored; kissing, biting, and massaging all if it.

“Let’s go upstairs now,” you murmur against his soft lips as you kiss his mouth again. Before you can make any protests, Jaehyun has picked you up and slowly makes his way to the loft bedroom with your legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Once you reach the bedroom, he puts you down but your lips remain securely attached to each other’s as you back him towards the bed. Discreetly, you turn on one of his playlists that you had saved. You help him remove his last articles of clothing before pushing him down on the bed. A few curses and low groans leave his mouth as you take his cock into your mouth, sinking as far onto his shaft as you can without gagging. You do this a few more times, agonizingly slowly, and Jaehyun’s fingers weave themselves tightly into your hair. You sit up and grab a bottle of lube that sits on the bedside table.

“Do you want me to—?” You leave the question hanging in the air as Jaehyun’s eyes cloud over with lust as he gazes at you.

“Yes,” he says it breathily, it almost comes out as a moan and you smile because you rarely get to see him like this. You squeeze the lube onto your fingers and your mouth returns to his cock as you gently push a digit into him. You don’t want him to come just yet, so you keep the stimulation on his cock to a minimum: licks, sucks, and an occasional bob of your head as you stretch him out to handle three of your fingers. A strangled moan leaves his mouth as you lick his dick and rub his prostate; you smile as you realize this is a side of Jaehyun that you have never seen.

“Please, Y/N, I really want it now.” Jaehyun whines as he grips the bedsheets with one hand and your hair with the other.

“Okay, sweetie, since you asked so nicely.” You say to him with a smile, and he smiles watches intently as you put on the strap on and lube it up.

“Turn around and get on your knees.” You tell him, and just like the first time you were together; he quickly does as you say. You squeeze his ass that is now presented to you and press kisses along his spine. Jaehyun’s breath hitches as you slowly push the toy into him. You keep your pace slow as you apply some extra lube to your hand before reaching around him to stroke his cock as it twitches against his stomach. Sinful moans fall from Jaehyun’s mouth, and he asks you to fuck him faster only for a slew of swears to leave his lips. You are enjoying watching him come so undone like this that you are mostly silent, only focusing on Jaehyun’s mounting pleasure. You sync the movements of your thrusts with the strokes of your slippery hand, bringing Jaehyun to his climax with a groan that he tries to contain only for it to turn into a small cry of pleasure as he spills his seed out over your fingers to drip onto the bed. You massage his back as he collapses onto the bed, shuddering, to regain his breath.

“You did so well, Jae, I love you so much.” You whisper near his ear as you continue to massage him.

“That was…thank you so much; I love you so much, too.” And he turns to look up at you with sleepy eyes.

“Let’s get you cleaned up, sweetpea.” You say as you place a kiss on the soft skin of his forehead.

————————————————————————————

“Is it everything I like?” You ask Jaehyun as he secures the rope that binds your wrists to the arms of the chair your sitting in.

“Yes, I followed your instructions: no annoying moaners, no ridiculous plots, lots of threesomes, realistic sex, and no gratuitous full frontal male nudity—what’s up with that though? What’s wrong with men’s body’s?”

“Nothing’s wrong with them, you’re just really the only man I want to see naked anymore.” You say it sweetly, but still so that he knows you’re telling the truth. He looks at you for a moment, his mouth hangs open a bit,

“That’s…the nicest thing anyone has said about me like that.” And he chuckles before kissing your temple.

“That’s sad,” you say sassily back to him; which is a bit comical as he has you tied to a desk chair sitting in front of the tv, with a sexy top and no underwear on. This was your fantasy, this was the crazy thing you wanted to do this week: be bound and unable to move or touch yourself as you watch a couple hours of porn that he handpicked for you, while Jaehyun goes out for a while to do whatever he wants only to come back to his girl horny and dripping on the furniture.

“Be a good girl for me, won’t you?” He says kissing your mouth.

“Never,” you reply as he pulls away, you’re grinning at him until he pinches your nipple, causing you to yelp. Jaehyun presses ‘play’ on the remote before setting it well out of your reach, and walks down the stairs. You’re watching a woman massage another woman when you hear the door close, signaling Jaehyun’s exit. You feel like such a nympho; within a few minutes you’re tingling pleasantly, but after two short scenes and a third one beginning—a threesome with a strap-on no less—you’re most definitely throbbing. After an hour you can feel how swollen your pussy lips are, and there really is no way to satisfy the ever constant dull throb because you can’t even comfortably roll your hips in the chair with how Jaehyun has your legs tied. You want to be pounded into the mattress like the girl you’re watching now is. You feel thirsty and parched, you just want Jaehyun to hurry home and fuck you until you can’t think or walk straight. Jaehyun comes home early, and you are so relieved to hear the door…only he doesn’t join you right away. You can hear him moving around downstairs; in the kitchen, walking here and there in his bare feet. You call his name a few times, but he makes no answer besides “Hey, I hope you’re being a good girl for me!” He pays you absolutely no attention, frustrating you immensely in your current state. You sit there for a good ten minutes before you start moaning and mewling like the woman on the screen; except she’s moaning “fuck” and you’re moaning “Jaehyun” loud enough for him to hear it. Your eyes are closed and you don’t hear Jaehyun creep up the stairs above your noises until the tv is abruptly shut off. You shudder as your eyes snap open to see Jaehyun standing over you. Hair is wet, as are the swimming shorts he wears, he looks sun-kissed and windswept. He reaches to stroke your face before putting a finger into your mouth to drag your bottom lip down.

“Hello my sweet, I can smell you.” He smiles at you as he kneels down and you blush at his comment.

“Oh my, what do we have here?” He teases as he sneaks his hand between your legs, “Y/N, you have made quite a mess.” Jaehyun tilts your chin up with his free hand to kiss your parted lips, and he swallows the moan that tries to spill from you as he strokes your dripping core. He stands up and pulls off his shorts and then pumps his half-hard cock a few times before guiding it into your mouth. You diligently try and make him hard with your mouth, but your movements are still restricted by the ties.

“Okay darling,” Jaehyun pulls away from you again and his cock stands firmly against his belly, “What would you like me to do?”

“Untie me, please,” You are nearly begging because of how desperately horny you are. Jaehyun unties your wrists and ankles so that your legs can finally part naturally.

“Get on the bed on your knees,” Jaehyun instructs, and he stands there stroking himself while you do as you’re told. “Now take your top off,” and he takes a few steps toward the bed as you comply with this new instruction. He kneels on the bed in front of you and takes a breast in each hand as he kisses you. “Now turn around.” He whispers against your mouth. Jaehyun pushes your upper body forward onto your elbows as he enters you excruciatingly slowly from behind. You gasp and bite back a mewl that threatens to slip from your mouth as he easily slides into you. Within a few thrusts, you can feel your climax bubbling like hot lava in your belly. You can feel your essence run down your legs, and Jaehyun’s thrusts remain slow and deep as he reaches around to rub your clit.

“Jaehyun I’m gonna—I can’t hold it anymore—“

“I know, darling,” he murmurs between your moans, his voice and movements soft and tender as the fire in your belly consumes you. His gentle actions continue until you still against the bedsheets, lightly gasping for air. Jaehyun rubs your back as he pulls out of you and tucks your hair behind your ear. He lays on the bed next to you, “Come here,” and gestures for you to ride him. Your movements are slow and it almost feels a bit much when you sink down onto his cock, but you are able to control the depth and speed while you’re still sensitive after your last orgasm. You thread your fingers through his damp hair as you lean down to kiss him, slowly rolling your hips until the sensitivity fades. His hands never stop stroking and exploring your body, the soft pads of his fingers press, glide and squeeze every inch that he can reach. Jaehyun smells like the ocean, and his skin tastes like the ocean: at this moment he exists in the heat of a summer day. You’re in love with a season that is fleeting and can never be yours; it comes and brings all its joys and wonders, and it leaves you behind burning and touched by its passions. But Jaehyun hasn’t left yet, he is still here—you are still here; you can feel his skin against yours, and his breath intermingled with yours, and his heartbeat against your palm. It is still summer, the leaves have yet to fall. You feel a wonderful and familiar sensation again in your core as the sensitivity is replaced with pleasure. A sheen of sweat covers your body as you ride him, gasping when Jaehyun pays attention to your hardened nipples.

“I love you,” Jaehyun says, and you look down at him with heavy-lidded eyes and parted lips to lose yourself in his lust and love filled eyes.

“Jaehyun, I want you to fuck me—I need you to fuck me like you never have before.” With no warning, he rolls you over so that he’s on top, and his lips immediately find yours as he brings one of your legs up near your head. He holds your legs wide and thrusts slow and deep, his cock grazing over the sweet spot inside of you right away. A bead of sweat from Jaehyun falls on you, and your body’s burn against each other in perfect harmony. He grunts as his thrusts hit you faster and as deep as possible, never letting up, and you hold onto him for dear life as you focus on him here now in your arms to stave off your climax for as long as possible. He pounds into you and you feel like you have forgotten how to breathe, but you must be breathing because you cannot control of moans coming from your lips. The fire you feel in your core is overwhelming, and the lewd noises of slapping skin and gasps and mewls fill the humid bedroom. You cry out as your orgasm overtakes you again, screwing your eyes shut as you bite down on Jaehyun’s shoulder, relishing in the feeling of your cunt pulsing around him. The feeling dies off only to light up once again as he fucks into you hard, and it all feels like too much but Jaehyun is nearing his end as he presses your legs even further apart and up to fuck you impossibly deep and hard. Pleasure swallows you, Jaehyun’s weight crushes you, and he’s whimpering as his cum fills you to the brim and leaks out between each thrust. He collapses on top of you, releasing your legs and burying his head into your shoulder. The heat overwhelms, Jaehyun’s scent overwhelms you, but most of all the feeling of your love for him crushes you and your throat is sore not from your cries of pleasure but from the repression of tears. It’s still summer, it’s too early to mourn for a season that has not passed. You swallow the lump in your throat, “I love you, too” you tell him between your gasps for breath. Jaehyun’s breathing is still laboured as he peppers your neck and shoulder with kisses.

————————————————————————————

You and Jaehyun spend the week sleeping in and walking on the beach with the hot sand scorching your feet. Movies are started, but halfway through you both decide that you’d rather be making love instead. You each enjoy getting handcuffed to the headboard on separate occasions, and the couch becomes a favourite spot for lazier sex. You cook together and eat together, you read books together which only turns into a couple nap session. You stay up late talking to each other with only the moon’s velvety luminescence shining upon your face’s. By the last day, you are living in Jaehyun’s clothes, wearing his shirts as entire shirt outfits around the cottage and throwing on a pair of your own shorts only if you are going out in public. A week is never long enough to live together in love: it flies by in an instant and leaves you kicking yourself for not saying enough. On the drive back to Seoul you hold hands and don’t speak; back to the land of packed boxes and wedding preparations. For a week they were forgotten; reality was put on pause for the sake of impossible bliss. He was like no one else, other lovers paled in comparison to Jaehyun and this love made you feel more alive than any other.

Johnny had arranged a goodbye party for you for the night before you leave Korea. The gang’s all there, with Johnny, Mark, and Yuta being especially clingy. Misook and Minseok are there, but they no longer parade around like the couple the still undoubtedly are; it’s practice for next month and the years to come. You wonder if they will stay together, or if the situation will be too awkward and put too much strain on their relationship. Jaehyun is aloof the entire night and Yuta teases him, “Aren’t you going to miss her!” To which Jaehyun only feigns a chuckle with a slight nod of his head. Ten brings in a cake, slapping away Mark’s hand as he tries to steal a strawberry off of it.

“It’s not my birthday!” You laugh, thanking Ten and Johnny with hugs. Yuta quickly hands you a knife to cut the cake with.

“The party’s too sad, I need cake now,” He says with a flash of his brilliant smile, a smile that makes you smile in return.

“Wow, Y/N’s slices are so neat and perfect,” Jungwoo says as he leans over your shoulder like a child impatiently waiting their turn.

“Yeah, they’re, like…exact.” Mark makes an awkward gesture with his hands to replicate the shapes of the slices. You laugh out loud, unsure if you’re embarrassed with him or by him.

“I’m gonna miss you, kid.” You tell Mark, smiling at him while Doyoung chuckles beside you as he hands out slices of the cake.

“I’m not that much younger than you!” But Mark laughs too, his nose scrunching as he giggles. You catch Johnny in an intense conversation with Jaehyun out of the corner of your eye, Jaehyun is…someone you aren’t ready to deal with quite yet.

After cake Johnny suggests that everyone go around and say a few words, it’s mostly the same stuff they said at Kun’s going away party. Doyoung thanked you for being a refreshing addition to their group,

“Was it nice to have another voice of reason around, Hyung?” Jungwoo says.

“Yes!” Doyoung exclaims with a gummy smile.

“Thank you for putting up with all of our shenanigans—better than Doyoung hyung does! I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of your life.” Mark is lovely and sweet as he says this, but you still all crack up at his words.

“The ‘rest of my life’, jeez, that sounds scary.” you joke, but you smile thankfully at Mark.

“Come visit Osaka sometime and I’ll show you around.” Yuta grins and squeezes your hand. It’s Jaehyun’s turn next, and part of you hopes that he doesn’t say anything.

“Study hard and create lots of new memories.” He frowns while saying it and for a moment an awkward silence hangs in the air, which must confuse a majority of the people in the room.

“Yes, lots of new memories—but don’t forget the ones we made!” Johnny jumps in, “Going home to family is so special; take care of yourself and let others take care of you when you need it. Thank you for being more than just a voice of reason and a doting noona—“ the younger boys chuckle “But also for being up for every part of the culture we wanted to show you.”

“Yes, thank you for taking Korean cooking classes with me!” Yuta chimes in and it’s your turn to laugh. Johnny glances at Jaehyun before continuing:

“You will be missed and never forgotten; you left your mark…now go home and have a ‘sincerely’ nice rest of your life, and don’t break too many hearts.” John smiles and winks, there is a round of applause and you are enveloped in a hug by the tall man.

“Thank you,” you squeak as he hugs you too tightly. Jiwoo gifts you a small carved jewelry box, and Taeyong gives you a bag of ramen flavouring packets.

“Do you just have, like, 50 ramen noodles at home now?” You ask him in disbelief.

“Yes,” and he giggles cutely before continuing “They’re the ones you like, and I don’t know if you can get them at home.” You would hug him, but you don’t want to make him all flustered.

Saying goodbye to your friends that you have made in the last two years is harder than you thought, but you also miss your friends and family back home.

——————————————————————————

You unlock the door to the apartment that will soon no longer be yours, and drop the little bag of gifts right inside next to a suitcase. “Those will have to be packed, too.” You mutter to yourself. The light is on in the kitchen, and the tea kettle is nearly whistling. As you lean against the counter and close your eyes Jaehyun’s arms wrap around you from behind and his face presses against you to breathe you in. He left the party with Misook long before you.

“What have you been doing?” You ask as you lean into him.

“Lying on your bed, and going through your drawers to make sure you didn’t forget anything.”

“What’s the hot water for?”

“I thought you might like tea.” He knew you too well, a mug sat on the counter with a tea bag already. This was it, this was the end. This was how summer would come to a close for you in life. You poured the boiling water into the mug and turned in Jaehyun’s arms to face him.

“I love you,” you tell him as you look up at his face and intertwine your fingers on the back of his neck.

“I love you, too.” And he places soft kisses over your forehead and temples. You don’t know what to do, you don’t know how to face the last night: the last time having sex, the last kisses, the last laughs, and the last time waking up next to him. You stand there together for a long time before Jaehyun eventually helps you to get ready for bed.

“What’s wrong?” He asks as you push him away as he tries to help you into your pajama top.

“What’s the point, it’s gonna come off anyway.” You say pulling him to you. You mean to be sexy, but you feel sad, you feel crushed and devastated. It’s not that you don’t want to leave and go home, you just don’t want to leave him. Soberly, Jaehyun takes his t-shirt off and then runs his hands up and down your sides. Your breasts lightly brush against his naked upper body as he dips down to kiss you, and you’re not sure if you can breathe as you pull him down onto the bed with you. You want to feel his weight and see his face tonight, his skin is hot against yours as is the room’s air. It’s a game of equals as you can’t tell who’s kissing whom, and you hook your feet around his waist to keep him against you. You savour the taste of his skin and how his fingers squeeze and grasp your body; his hair is thick and soft between your fingers as you run your hands through it. The emotions you feel right now crush you as you lick a strip up his neck before Jaehyun dips his head down to your cleavage and breasts to nip, squeeze, and suck them. It’s a haze of whispered ‘I love yous’ and ‘you’re beautifuls’ and somewhere in there the last remaining articles of clothing are shed and it’s just two people deeply in love and deeply hurt. You are all sensibility and no sense as you feel tears prick your eyes as Jaehyun’s length slowly enters you; filling you completely. Neither of you masks any sound or a single breath. His thrusts are slow and deliberate, and sweat lubricates your body’s so that your skin glides against one another. For a moment he stops moving and you just kiss each other like…you won’t kiss tomorrow. Your finger nails must leave a few crescent shapes in his skin as you gasp for breath before he rolls the both of you over. You roll your hips against his and attach your lips to his neck. A fiery heat builds in you as he squeezes your ass and encourages tiny bounces from your hips.

“I don’t want this to ever end,” you cry in pleasure having to hold back a physical sob as you collapse against his chest and he rolls over onto you again.

“I’ve got you baby, you’re all mine.” Jaehyun chokes into your neck, something hot and wet falls onto your shoulder. It’s just sweat you tell yourself, but Jaehyun has hidden his face from you while he glides easily in and out of your hot folds. Jaehyun hooks one of your legs over his shoulder so that he can penetrate you deeper as he quickly yet gently fucks you. Your climax builds and nears as he brings a hand to your breast and you feel his thick cock twitch inside of you. Your moans are a chorus together, beautiful but stark in the otherwise quiet room. It’s an empty room; empty shelves and drawers, it’s clean and bare save for the two people joined in a sweaty love-filled union on the bed. Your face contorts in ecstasy as your orgasm peaks when you feel Jaehyun’s seed spurt against your walls. Maybe you have been crying this whole time, you’re not even sure but you feel a plump tear roll down your cheek now followed by another. It takes a moment for you to realize that you are both gasping and crying against one another, and you can feel Jaehyun’s softening cock inside of you as he makes no attempt to move. There is a sob that sits in your throat and threatens to wrack your entire body if you give in to it, you force his face towards yours and are devastated to find it tear-stained and pink. He wipes away the tears hastily, he almost seems embarrassed that you saw them but he kisses the trails your tears have left on your cheeks down to your mouth.

“Why didn’t—“ you choke against the lump in your throat “You ever ask me to stay?”

Jaehyun doesn’t wipe away his fresh tears as he answers, “Because I can’t give you the life you deserve here” and a silent sob shakes your shoulders now “You deserve to be with someone always, and have a family, and a career that makes you proud. You deserve to be surrounded by people that love you—“ you kiss him to drown out your sobs. “I can’t give you enough here because I’m stifled, I am so sorry I wasn’t able to stand up for myself and marry you and have beautiful children with you and grow old next to you.” His hot tears fall fresh on your face and it takes everything you have to suppress your sobs. You can’t give in to them yet, he’s still here in your arms, he’s still loving and holding you. You kiss Jaehyun’s lips to calm the both of you down and it must work because after a few minutes you feel lighter than before and his cock begins to harden inside of you again. You make love three more times that night, each time it feels closer and more emotionally raw than the last.

————————————————————————————

You are exhausted upon waking up and Jaehyun lies next to you, watching you.

“I had to watch you wake up one more time.” He smiles, but it’s a sad smile. Everything is tinged with melancholy this morning; the kisses, the morning routines, the last minute checks to see that you’re not forgetting something. Jaehyun drives you to the airport and gets out to help unload the suitcases you’re taking on the plane with you.

“Passport?”

“Yes.”

“Wallet?”

“Yes.”

“Boarding pass?”

“Yes. I love you.” Jaehyun smiles at your words and takes your hands in his.

“I love you, too, Y/N.”

You reach up to kiss him: yes it’s public—but Jaehyun’s grandmother could have been watching from 5 feet away and you still wouldn’t have cared less. It’s love, and you were losing it.

“Jaehyun,”

“Yes, my little love.”

“Take care of yourself.” You smile as best you can before squeezing his hand one last time and walking away with a suitcase in each hand. He doesn’t call back to you, he doesn’t run after you…he lets you go. There is a part of you that expects that he might have a sudden crazy change of heart and burst into the airport at any second. You board the plane knowing full well that are leaving Jaehyun behind, and that he didn’t follow and that you’re not actually going to run away together. You lock yourself inside the tiny bathroom to cry, but it’s like you’re in shock and the tears won’t come.

You feel numb as you greet your parents at the airport and they drive you home. Your house is mostly empty because your parents are spending most of their summer at the family lake house. Your room hasn’t changed, textbooks still lie around but you left it fairly neat before you left. It was a half-used room then as you spent half your time in a university dorm or your ex’s apartment. You had your big childhood home mostly to yourself now. Your mom has left a pile of mail from the last few weeks on your bed, and your eye catches a letter that sits on top of the pile. Your stomach plummets at the sight of the familiar handwriting, and when you pick it up with trembling hands you can see that it was mailed from Naksan. Tears well in your eyes as you open it and you feel as though you can’t breathe as you read it.

_My darling lover,_

_If you are reading this letter, then I have made the biggest mistake of my life by not following you home or not convincing you to run away with me. As I write this you are asleep in bed next to me. This chapter is over for us, I hope your regrets are few or none. Please start many new chapters; fall in love, have a fulfilling career, and have lots of games of hide and seek with your beautiful children in the house you grew up in. Do not think of me with sadness or regret, but just as a lover you once knew. You laughed in your sleep just now beside me. Did you know you do that sometimes? The you that is beside me right now must be happy, but you that is reading this letter may have tears in your eyes as I have in mine writing this. Wipe them away and cherish them for a few moments and then forget them. Months ago you called this “ill-fated love”, and you were quite right. Thank you for letting me love you, thank you for loving me, and thank you for breaking my heart. One last time: I love you, Y/N…so much that it hurts._

_-Jaehyun_

“I love you, too” you whisper before your body is consumed with grief and sobs. You collapse onto your bed where your mother finds you inconsolable a short while later, but she asks for no explanations and sits with you rubbing your back and stroking your hair until you cry yourself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song at the beginning is "Sesame Syrup" by Cigarettes After Sex.  
This is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever written


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N works to move forward with her life and live how she promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression and mental health. Please do not read if you are sensitive or uncomfortable with these subjects. I am not completely satisfied with this ending, and I may (someday) rewrite it.

It’s odd being back in school after a couple years off, but it’s a distraction from the heartbreak you feel. For a couple of months you cried; privately sobbing into your pillow, or excusing yourself to the bathroom if the feelings became overwhelming. Your friends asked if you had dated anyone seriously while you were in Korea. _Of course not!_ You told them, insisting that embarking on a relationship like that when you had no intention to stay would have been careless. You had dated very _casually_ you told them. Your mother had seen the letter clutched in your fist when she had seen you crying, but she never pushed you any further than you asking if you had loved him.

“With every fibre of my being.” You said to her.

Being in school felt right, being home felt right, but your life felt, otherwise, empty. You got back together with an ex. Ben was familiar and comfortable; he knew your life and you knew his. There were memories of shared teenage years and lots of shared friends. He had been your first love, and you were the friends with the great chemistry but you didn’t date until university. As friends, you had been through past breakups together. You had ended it to travel and teach for a few years, and you were pretty sure that you may have uttered the words “wait for me if you feel like it”. His parents loved you, and your parents loved Ben and his parents. You were bored and sexually unfulfilled. Ben criticized things Jaehyun had admired about you. He seemed lazier than you remembered, and you had forgotten that he was one of those people who constantly criticized other people’s thoughts or opinions. He constantly told you _why_ you were wrong. You found out he had briefly gotten back together with a high school girlfriend while you were gone, and she had broken his heart for the second time. Neither of you said it out loud, but you both knew that the other wasn’t completely happy. At one point you had thought about being with Ben forever and having children together, now you made excuses to avoid sex as often as possible. Ben knew you well enough to know that this was extremely uncharacteristic of you.

A year went by and you still thought of Jaehyun every day. You regretted ever wasting a single second by being angry at him after the engagement announcement. You wanted one more day with him—even an hour would suffice. He was in everything you did, he was in every good thought you had. Ben knows there’s someone else, and he asks the bare minimum. Of that, you’re grateful. Sometimes, late at night, you remember the overwhelming—drowning even—sensation of love that you felt with Jaehyun. Maybe that was once in a lifetime love; maybe the regular love was all that you had to look forward to in the future. Your friends were getting married, but you were busy writing your thesis. Your friends were having babies, but you were pining over a married man in a foreign country. Things happened during the day that you wanted to share with Jaehyun, vacation spots became available but you only wanted to go with Jaehyun. A fear that you might never get over him gripped you: what if you never moved on as you had promised. An even greater fear was that Jaehyun may have completely moved on; maybe he was happily in love with someone else, what if he didn’t think of you anymore—it was selfish, that you knew. You wanted him to be blissfully happy and in love, but more than anything you wished that it was with you. You kept in touch with Johnny and Yuta. Johnny never brought up Jaehyun, and Yuta learned to as well. You accepted the love lost, but the world seemed dull. You began to avoid friends and social obligations, devoting yourself to paper writing and volunteering at call helpline centre for youth. Your professor got you involved as a counselor for an addiction group. You devoted every spare moment to others to avoid your own problems. You realized were even denying yourself the opportunity of another chance at love or happiness. You resented the stagnant relationship you were in and mentally chastised yourself for letting love go so easily. You were angry with the naive girl you had once been—who was she to walk away from love without even sparing him one last glance. You saw Jaehyun when you closed your eyes, and your heart stopped for a moment one day when someone walked by you wearing his same cologne. Little things reminded you of him, and you had never missed a person so much. Depression gradually began to settle in, and you pushed yourself to be even busier. On the outside, you were cool as a cucumber, completely together and sometimes even cheerful, but at home, you would shut down; like a computer put to sleep. You wanted desperately for someone to ask how you really were, maybe then you would tell someone. Maybe talking about it would make it feel better, but you also knew that no amount of talking or thinking about Jaehyun would ever bring him back. If Jaehyun existed in summer, then you existed in a world that had no summer—nor even a spring that rekindled the memories of the upcoming season. You cried, pitying yourself for not forgetting Jaehyun or allowing yourself to move on. It was your fault, _you_ were doing this to _yourself_. “You could be happy if you wanted to be, Y/N.” you muttered to yourself when you were alone. This was never whom you wanted to become, this was not the woman Jaehyun had fallen in love with.

After two years back home, you and Ben broke up by mutual agreement; parting ways with a “see you around”, because 15 years of being a part of each other’s lives were not to be forgotten easily. You focused on yourself and began to tell yourself that you had once had a great love. “I have known love.” You say to yourself every night before falling asleep. You didn’t look for a relationship if you met someone you liked—then so be it, but your energy was otherwise spent on yourself and your work. You take up hobbies you had let fall by the wayside in university, and let little things in life bring you happiness. You tell Yuta to meet you in Osaka in the spring under a cherry blossom tree.

There is a figure standing outside your door, but you don’t notice him immediately as he slowly turns towards the sound of your footsteps as you carry your groceries, humming to yourself. You stop in your tracks when you spot him, and a wave of emotions hits you immediately filling your eyes with tears. He looks the same: his hair falls almost in his eyes, thick and soft as you remember it; his expression is neither happy nor sad, and his eyes appear to drink the sight of you in.

“Hello, Y/N.” he says quietly, his hands remain stuffed in his pockets but he offers the slightest smile.

“Hel—hello, Jaehyun” Your voice cracks loudly and you clear your throat as you set your bags down at your feet. You don’t dare move nearer to him, afraid he’ll disappear like smoke—nothing more than an apparition.

“I’m sorry, I maybe shouldn’t have just shown up.” He looks down at his feet, insecurity being apparent for the first time since he had brought you back your bra in a little paper bag.

“No,” it comes out harsher than you mean “No, it’s fine.” You continue, your voice softening. He looks at you and nods his head before stepping towards you. You’re unable to move as he comes closer to you, this was a dream, this couldn’t be real.

“May I?” He asks as he reaches for your grocery bags. He smells the same, and you nod your head as he lifts the bags from near your feet.

“What are you doing here?” Finally finding your strength and your voice, you can’t let him get away without an explanation. He can’t just come and go as he pleases, not when you’re finally starting to do well.

“Um, well…” he hesitates, standing there with your groceries, “Misook and I are taking everything over in the companies and consolidating it all. Our parents own a lot of real estate…my dad owns a lot of complexes, and one of them is only a couple hours away from here.” You’re unsure of what you’re hearing, and not entirely sure if you’re still breathing. He still hasn’t told you why he’s _here_, at your house.

“Misook and the baby” Your stomach plummets, “will have half of all assets, and the other half will be mine.” You feel as if you might be sick: so _that’s _what it feels like; that’s what the keen slap of heartbreak feels like. You can’t look at him, you feel betrayed. You grab the bags from him and rush to your door as you fumble with keys. To your humiliation, you drop them and you feel like breaking down right there, but you can’t let him see you fall apart like that. You curse under your breath as you bend down to pick them up.

“Y/N, he’s Minseok’s.” Jaehyun informs you quietly, sensing what caused your sudden outburst.

“Oh,” you start awkwardly, looking at Jaehyun; your expression embarrassed and apologetic.

“I guess what I’m saying is…I don’t need to be in Korea full time to run the company, and if you’re still interested I’m still madly in love with you.” He’s clear and concise. “We can’t get married or anything until Misook and I completely work out who owns what…so how do you feel about not marrying me, right away at least?” He walks up to you as he says this. You stare at him in front of you, was this real? Was he here asking you this? You make no reply, how do you tell him you completely failed to forget him and stop loving him as he had asked. How do you tell him you would take him back if it meant you two had to move to the moon together. He takes your silence as a negative reply, and he nods before beginning to turn away.

“Yes,” you breathe, reaching out to grab him. He’s real, he’s really here, he’s really asking you this you think as you grip him tightly.

“So, you still love me?” Jaehyun asks, brushing a strand of hair off your face.

“How could I ever stop,” and the groceries are dropped again as your breaths intermingle for a moment before lips gently brush against each other. This is the only kiss that matters—it’s like a day was never missed, it was the same as it always was. This is the only feeling that matters, the swelling and feeling full and _whole _once again. He pulls away for a moment:

“What’s Forest Academy like?”

“Oh,” you are slightly confused for a moment when he mentions the private school nearby that’s filled with foreign students from wealthy families“It’s an excellent school, but it’s really expensive—“ you catch the look on Jaehyun’s face “—not that _that_ will be a problem.” he grins and kisses you again, this time you pull away from him,

“Is that where our kids are going to go to school?” You ask, and you smile against his lips.

“Yes, and then they’ll spend the summer in Seoul with their grandparents. Now that we have everything figured out, all we have to do is make them–but we don’t have to rush that part.” He cuts off your laughter with the crush of his lips. Every movement and breath is as if no time had passed, it’s familiar while still being tantalizing and fulfilling. You feel complete, you feel weightless; he is your equal and you are his. Love is a living and breathing thing: it is constant and ever-changing; its heartbeat slows and speeds up; it is small and warm, and then sometimes swells and consumes you like a fire.


End file.
